


That Peanut Butter Vibe

by hotdamnaya



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Aster likes to smoke, Bisexual, Ellie still a nerd but cooler, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Lesbian, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Other gorgeous characters, Slow Burn, aster is a goddess, ellie has game, post college
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:16:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24878323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotdamnaya/pseuds/hotdamnaya
Summary: Ellie just can't get over Aster Flores.Loving her has peanut butter vibes; sticky, unhealthy and addictive.Ellie wants to recapture their youth and get lost in indulgence.
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores, Ellie Chu/Original Character(s)
Comments: 161
Kudos: 265





	1. Charlie

**Author's Note:**

> This story follows Ellie and Aster in their senior year in college. Having no contact and with different lives and relationships, will they give in to nostalgia once they meet again? 
> 
> Inspired by the song Gooey, from Aster's playlist made by Alice Wu in spotify.

It was the fact that never in a billion years did Ellie Chu think that The Aster Flores would even notice her, let alone have feelings for her, that gave Ellie that distinct swoop in her tummy whenever she lets her mind wander over to the love of her life.

Even now, years after their kiss...Ellie still feels something for her. Even now that she has someone else in her life who she calls as her girlfriend. Aster will always be Ellie's ultimate crush. Or maybe that's just how it goes with first loves? Just this feeling of 'too much'. Too much emotions. Anxiety, giddiness, anticipation...it all still feels special years after. 

She's dated a few other people in college. She even tried to reciprocate this one really attractive guy's feelings. Come on, he was intellectually stimulating, good looking and actually really very nice. Just sad that try as she might, Ellie can't muster up all the feelings she once had. No matter how 'perfect' this guy could be. He's no Aster.

Turns out, it's not about the male species. It's just really Aster. Always Aster-- The story of Ellie's life. You see, after that one guy, Ellie tried to switch it up to girls. (Even though she just tried it with him cause she can't imagine kissing another girl so soon. Not after Aster). Seems like college is really a place for nerds like her since the girls were everywhere. Chicks dig smart people. This is a fact. 

It also didn't hurt that Ellie actually learned to appreciate her body more. This includes accepting that she has some things going on for her. Her baby face, for one. Oh and also her physique. All that biking throughout high school really toned her up. She also learned to shed her layers, and that black is her color. Slick and simple, always pragmatic. She found out that kissing your high school crush and said girl kissing you back boosts one's confidence. Cause after all, who does that? Deny it as much as she can, but Ellie has serious game. 

She realized this in her first year of college. At first she thought that girls were just so nice and attentive at Grinnell. Really friendly. They paid attention to her, especially her words. A lot of them actually really challenged her mind.( But no, not like Aster. Aster will always be on another level.) 

It was nice though. Being surrounded by all those people who get you. Being free to be yourself. Even if that means exploring the parts of you that you didn't even know existed in the first place. Sometimes Ellie wonders if the side of her that was always rebellious and stubborn was just hiding underneath all the responsibilities she carried during high school. She knew that she always thought she was an outsider who didn't have to follow the rules set by society. She knew that being a smartass would get her somewhere someday, but in college, she flourished. She thrived in the freedom of being her own person without consequences for once. Yes, she's still the responsible Ellie from before but she found out that you can be responsible and still have fun. 

She found friends who are more like her. She even found her own LGBT group. She realized that tons of people are more open to it in college. It's like she was finally home and a part of a tribe. 

Ofcourse being in a big group with openly gay and bisexual girls gave her the opportunity to explore. To test out the waters. Not to replace Aster per se (Can Aster even be replaced??), but to give freedom to a part of Ellie that she has always repressed. And boy, did Ellie explore. Not to say that she wasn't her awkward nerdy self anymore but in college, people found it cute and endearing. She was appreciated more. She was so much more than the chinese girl who did everyone's papers. 

Ellie had girlfriends. One after another actually. Paul has always said that she has more game than he does. What with all the girls after her. He said it's kinda funny how clueless Ellie is with how people are flirting with her. Ellie's always been unassuming. Better to be in denial than to assume right? So her parameter of a girl making a move on her is literally a girl saying it or kissing her. Forget about Ellie making the first move. (That was a one time deal with Aster. Never again. It's just Aster who brought that out in her.) 

Ellie has always been the type to be sure that someone likes her before she shows her feelings and reciprocates. Maybe it's her insecurity of growing up in her home town. She didn't consider herself attractive or just hadn't really thought about her love life at all. (Well not until Aster, that is). So she waits, tries to figure out in her head if someone is a good match for her, then reciprocates if she thinks so. 

Problem is, there were a lot of attractive bi or lesbians in her school grabbing her attention but no, never anyone quite like Aster. Some were smart and beautiful, but never quite had Aster's passion or wit. She was just one of a kind. 

Even now, with Ellie sitting across her current girlfriend Charlie in a cafe in campus, she can't help but stare at a painting mounted on a wall. She wonders what Aster would think about it. She can't quite shake the feeling of wanting to send a picture of it to the girl.

It's Charlie who distracts her from her train of thought.  
"Hey babe, you gonna finish those fries? I'm starving over here." She says while stealing a few from her plate. Ellie watches Charlie as she casually munches on it.  
"Where do you put all the food Charlie? You just finished two donuts. There isn't an ounce of body fat in you. And that's coming from me." Ellie asks.  
"What? I like food. Bite me." She says around her mouthful of Ellie's fries. Charlie then proceeds to chug her lukewarm cup of coffee. 

Ellie examines her girlfriend. With this cafe lights and aroma of coffee wafting in her nose, Ellie is kinda content just watching her stuff her face. Charlie has this Audrey Hepburn-Grace Kelly-Diana Agroon look. She's blonde, with hazel eyes, red lips and classic bone structure (like Aster's. Guess Ellie has a type.) But more than that, she challenges Ellie. She keeps up with her and sometimes even leaves her dumbfounded with the ease of how she carries herself. Charlie is confident. She's free spirited but grounded. Humble and just so damn pure sometimes, Ellie doesn't know how she got so lucky to have stumbled upon her. Almost half the time they spend together, they just laugh and amuse each other. And yeah, the other half of that time they spend exploring each other's bodies. It's college, blame their hormones.

Charlie is Grinnell's Aster Flores. The It girl. Everybody loves Charlie because of her outgoing personality. She has learned to be comfortable with herself through experiences. She's a quick thinker and eternal optimist. But no, she's not all sunshine and rainbows. She still shocks Ellie from time to time with her curse words and penchant for smoking. But overall, she has a good heart. Charlie is a sweetheart and seems like the complete package. Smart, beautiful and a good person. 

"What? What's up with the staring babe? What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Charlie eyes up Ellie.  
"Uh nothing. It's just, I really like you Charlie. You know that right? We've been together for almost a year now and just, wow.. you're great." Ellie surprises Charlie by her words. 

Charlie isn't used to Ellie saying things like this. When they first got together, she knew that Ellie had a couple of not so serious girlfriends before and she can feel that Ellie is somehow holding back for some reason. She guessed that she had commitment issues or insecurities she had to get through but she was willing to wait. After all, Ellie is worth it. 

For Charlie, Ellie is one of those special kind of person that you rarely meet in your life. She's really something else and that's why she went after Ellie. She knew that people gravitated towasrds Ellie because of her mind, but she wanted more. She wanted so much more from Ellie. Her time, attention, devotion, admiration and commitment. She chased after Ellie until Ellie can no longer deny that she likes her too. They actually started with a frenemies type of relationship since they were both at the top of classes. Although Ellie didn't know that Charlie was just annoying her to get her attention. And like all rom coms, it took a few kisses before Ellie got her shit together and admitted to herself that she too liked the annoying blonde. And she wasn't actually annoyed by her, more on frustrated. Frustrated with how she's just so goddamn perfect, (it reminds her of a certain someone), she wonders how she came across another Aster Flores unrequited situationship again and how this can ruin her once more. 

Cause yeah, leaving Aster with that 'see you in a couple of years' kiss and that open ended thing kinda ruined her for everybody else post Aster. She kept on comparing eveyone to her. And no one else is at par, well until now. Until Charlie. She seems like she can get Ellie to fall, just very differently from how she fell for Aster but nonetheless soul crushing as well. So Ellie tried to prolong the inevitable by remaining in denial with her growing feelings for Charlie until that one day when Charlie made a move. And well, Ellie's just human. 

So here they are now, a year later and Ellie is still smitten by Charlie.  
"I know im awesome Ellie, that's why you allow me to eat your fries. Am I right?" Charlie says with a cheeky smile.  
"Oh shut up, just eat so we can go. I have plans for us." Ellie smirked while saying this. She had plans for Charlie, alright. A last minute thing, but she was feeling guilty for thinking about Aster and that painting on the wall so she wanted to make up for it. 

With Charlie's hand on the small of her back, Ellie guided Charlie back to her dorm room across campus. But Ellie's plans just went out the door when she was pressed to the door and kissed senseless.


	2. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't we just talk?  
> Talk about where we're going  
> Before we get lost  
> Let me out first  
> Can't get what we want without knowing
> 
> -Khalid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit smutty. Sorry not sorry. 
> 
> I love charlie so im going to flesh out their relationship. They're in college. Exploring time. Ellie's discovering her passionate side.
> 
> But Aster'll be here soon, dont worry.

If there's one thing Ellie loved in college more than the challenge of being one of the brightest students in her batch, it's the freedom. It's the carving of her own path, good or bad. Right or wrong, it was just her decision. She can do whatever the hell she wants with her time and with whoever she wants. 

For example, she has her thick book laid on her bed, she's finishing up this chapter she has to read but she also has her girlfriend's hands playing with her hair while doing so. Its these little things that makes her feel like she belongs to someone. 

Well, Charlie isn't just someone. Ellie's kinda sorta falling in love with her. And she knows how cautious she has been over this whole thing. She even tried to fight her feelings for so long. But how can she when Charlie is just so damn lovable? She can't help but to get magnetized by her. And although she knows she has to fess up to Charlie about her lingering feelings for Aster, Ellie doesn't even know how to do that. How can you explain to this wonderful person that you're falling in love with, that you still think of your first love once in a while? Is this considered cheating when you've never talked to the said girl for years? But she knows that her crush for Aster is still there. Buried deep inside her. (She's wondering if it'll ever go away) Ellie's a bit confused.

With her previous girlfriends, the relationships weren't so serious that she had to lay out all her past history. They were focused more on the present moment. She was finding her footing in college plus add to that her responsibility to maintain her grades for her scholarship, she just didn't have the mindset of digging up her history in the middle of it all.

And it was almost always her exes who pushed for commitment than her. She was scared, to the say the least, about the whole relationship-with-girls thing she's trying to embark on. Don't get her wrong, Ellie is ballsy. She goes after what she wants. She wrote to Aster even if she knew it was wrong. She kissed Aster. It's just now, the playing field is different. 

She found out that it's easier to just go along since all the girls chasing after her were assertive enough to know what they want. It didn't hurt that apparently, femme lesbians also loved her 'assertiveness' in the sheets. Who knew that Ellie the nerd in high school would have such a healthy libido? It was a bit freaky to find that side of her that was dominant in bed. Not bdsm type dominant, but you know, sometimes she likes to take charge. 

Turns out, reading a lot about fantasies in books helped her have an abundance of romantic scenerios she wants to play out in her real life. And yes, that includes the steamy parts. Sue her, she's a romantic at heart. 

So back to Charlie, she's been meaning to tell her about Aster but everytime she does, Ellie finds herself ravaging Charlie instead. What the heck is that? Is that some psychological shit that she has to figure out? Cause she doesn't want to scare Charlie away with her issues... but she also knows that she has to be completely honest with her. It's all so confusing for Ellie since this is the first time she's going to wholeheartedly open up to someone (well, technically again. Cause, Aster)

"You keep zoning out, Ellie. I can hear your thoughts from here." Charlie stops playing with her hair and just lays her body close to her. 

Ellie takes this opportunity to be closer to her and look into her gorgeous face. Charlie's beautiful. She's so attractive, so much like how Aster turns heads everywhere she goes. But Charlie is different. She has a charm that comes through from self assurance. She has an air of class and grace that she tones it down by being casual and relatable with her words, fashion and how she interacts with everyone. Charlie is a representation of who Ellie wants to be. 

Ellie wants to say so many things to her, but something is holding her back. Fear that Charlie will leave? That part of her that wants to keep Aster Flores to herself? 

"You know you can tell me anything, right? Like, did you murder someone back home or something? Are you keeping their body parts and eating them for brunch? It's okay... I can help you finish...." 

"No, no, Charlie...what?" Ellie giggles. She always finds a way to make Ellie laugh in the weirdest moments. Charlie's into forensics, crime history, all those psychological thriller stuff of nightmares and she takes every opportunity to insert morbid things into their lives.

"..but really, you'll help me if I murder someone?" Charlie never fails to surprise her sometimes with the things she says. 

"Well, I mean... it depends. Why'd you kill in the first place? Self defense? Ooh... revenge?! Or, are you like the ones in Criminal Minds, serial killer whacko type? I'd have to consider it. I'm not one of those ride or die chicks, babe. Sorry. I have a big future. I need... a good reason to stay, Ellie" 

She says it with such a straight face Ellie doesn't know if she's actually kidding or there's something behind her words. Does Charlie suspect something? Well, she's smart. Smarter than Ellie, she thinks. She should have figured it out by now that Ellie is holding back. But does she know why?

"Hey, you alright? For real, Ellie... just spit it out. Wait, oh my gawd. Are you cheating on me?! The fuck, Ellie?" Charlie somehow went into an internal monologue.   
She kept on muttering "No, no... this can't be happening. I'm a catch. Well, I think so."

She asks Ellie with panic on her face: "But do you? Know that I'm a catch, that is. Why aren't you saying something? So, it's true? Is it a guy? I'll fucking lose my shit if it's a guy.. like, that's so below your standards. Were you drunk? Don't tell me it's a girl, Ellie. Oh my gawd, am I hyperventilating?... I think I am. Fuck. Fuck."

And okay, Ellie knows this is a serious moment they're having now, by my god, is Charlie adorable...when she's panicking, when she's hysterical, when she's breathing. Just, that weirdo is Ellie's and she's in love. There, she said it. Well, inside her head but, yeah. 

"Charlie, babe. Stop, stop. Breathe. Chill out for a sec. You're so cute, I can't process this right now. I wanna kiss you." Ellie gives her a small smile and a nudge. Enough for Charlie to calm down.

"What am I supposed to think Ellie? You go quiet on me sometimes and it's really hard to guess what's on your mind. And with the amount of girls, and guys (she said with an eye roll) flirting with you, I'm a tiny bit insecure sometimes, okay? It's just, you're really... I'm so.." She shrugs her shoulders, seeming to stop herself from going further. But Ellie knows, she thinks Charlie feels the same way but she's also holding herself back from saying the L word. 

They really need to work on their communication. And stop with the sex marathons, well stop is a harsh word. They can always talk after. Or before. During? Ellie's determined to be better though. Charlie deserves better from her.

"I'm sorry I keep on zoning out sometimes. It's just, a lot of things on my mind and I don't know how to share all of them with you. I'm serious about us Charlie. I want to be good for you and I know I need to work on some things about myself. But just know that you're special to me, I really like you.. and I want to be the best girlfriend I can be for you. I'm just figuring out how. I want to share my everything with you. All my history, worries and fears, all of it."

"Oh thank god. I was about to have a heart attack. It's all good, you're my favorite girlfriend actually." She says with a wink. 

"No but really, we need to work on our communication babe. I'll try to be more open too. But yeah, I don't know how much open you want me more." Charlie says with her signature smirk. 

"Stop it Charlie. I'm being a softie here! Don't give me that look." Ellie's fighting her own smile. And fighting that tingling in her tummy whenever Charlie gives her THE look. 

"I know, i know, im sorry. It's just that i've been waiting for this for a while and now that you're saying these things to me, I don't know how to react. And it's been a day of us not... fucking. Sorry. I can't think of a better word right now."

"Really? Not one? Not a single less crude word in mind Charlie?" Ellie full on laughs. 

Charlie shifts, sits on her lap with her legs on Ellie's sides. She gives her this tender look. It's like she's saying something but with no words. She leans forward and just looks into Ellie's eyes for a few seconds before tilting her head to the side and touches her lips with Ellie's. It's soft. It's meaningful. Ellie wants to cry. They really should talk more.

But instead, she puts her right hand on the small of Charlie's back to pull her in closer. She grabs her neck with her left hand to angle her mouth so that Ellie can part her lips with her tongue. Slowly, but with so much raw emotion that Charlie can't help but hum into Ellie's mouth and ground down her hips. Ellie takes this as her cue to slip her right hand into the back of Charlie's shirt while the hand on Charlie's neck moves to her sides to tease the underside of her bra with her thumb.

Charlie moans again with Ellie's hand movements and Ellie's hot breaths on her neck now. Charlie grips on Ellie's hair while Ellie sucks below her ear then on her neck. If this is how Ellie is after she communicates, then by all means Charlie is so willing to talk. Everyday, twice a day.

Ellie thinks Charlie can't get any hotter than this, but then she arches her back after Ellie sucks her tongue and squeezes her right boob, and Ellie just about short circuits with how sexy Charlie is right now. She has to touch her more. So she slips her hand into the side of her shorts, pushes her panties to the side (who even has time to get shorts off properly?) and just glides two of her fingers over Charlie. Charlie bucks her hips because of this, creating a slow, delicious movement while kissing Ellie. Ellie keeps on teasing her, moving the pads of her fingers up and down her slit. Pushing and bumping in all the right places. She knows how Charlie is a sucker for this. 

It's so good, Charlie thinks this might be considered a slice of heaven right here. With Ellie's tongue and fingers playing with her body. She wants to comment how thankful she is of her pianist stint in high school and thank god for her talented fingers, when Ellie pushes her fingers inside of her and well, all thoughts rush out of Charlie's head and she just lets herself enjoy Ellie's body that afternoon. 

They can talk later.


	3. Ocean eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No fair  
> You really know how to make me cry  
> When you gimme those ocean eyes  
> I'm scared  
> I've never fallen from quite this high  
> Falling into your ocean eyes  
> Those ocean eyes
> 
> -Billie Eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Charlie and Ellie moments. 
> 
> Aster will come in next chapter promise!

Ellie's just finished proofreading her paper when she sees a text message pop up on her phone. It's still early in the morning, she hasn't kicked the habit of being an early riser, she expects a message from Charlie asking her to meet up for breakfast but to her mild surprise, it's a text from Paul. 

Sipping on her brewed coffee, she opens it and sees that he's asking her what her plans are for today and if they can facetime later. She doesn't answer yet. Ellie's a bit reluctant to have any contact from people back home lately. With graduation coming up, she's in denial of how things are about to change again. She has to go back home to spend some time with her dad before leaving again to start another chapter in her life. 

She hasn't even talked to Charlie about their plans after college. All she knows is that she wants to keep her in her life for as long as possible. And as for work, Ellie has a few internships she has applied to. She knows she has to ask Charlie soon about hers but knowing that she's also one of the top students, Charlie most probably has options near Ellie's work if not the same city. She has heard Charlie hinting on some things though. Like Ellie finally meeting her parents in person and not just via skype, and also wanting to travel a bit with her before being "a slave for corporate america."

But they do have to talk about their future first before anything else. They're about to have their 1 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. Is it too soon to discuss these things? Ellie is guessing it's not if they are serious with each other. She just hasn't had the time to really sit Charlie down for a serious talk. It's their last term of college and they're all finishing up or finalizing one thing or another before graduation. 

She decides to go grab Charlie a donut in a nearby campus cafe and surprise her with her favorite coffee drink before class. What? Ellie's romantic like that. 

She patiently waits in line when her eyes shift to that painting again. Who put that there this week? Are they trying to personally attack me with memories of Aster? It's ridiculous how such a simple thing can pull up emotions from Ellie. Like that freakin Chicago song. 

She was watching an episode of Criminal Minds with Charlie when one of the FBI agents said something about a song from your teenage years being really special to you because the brain forms neural connections because of hightened emotions linked to a song which then creates a memory trace that remains in your brain forever. Sort of like a musical nostalgia which really really sucks when you're trying to get over someone. Nostalgia is bittersweet, Ellie decides. Her thoughts get interrupted when it's her turn to order though.

"Aww thanks babe! You the best! Best I ever had, best I ever had!" Charlie tries to sing/ hum between bites of her donut when Ellie presents her with breakfast. Ellie just kisses her cheek (the one not chewing the donut) and lets her lips stay there for a bit. Just breathing her in, enjoying Charlie's warmth and scent. She smells like something very sweet and comforting. Maybe it's the donuts, Ellie muses. Eventually she says "Cmon we're gonna be late for class. Move your butt, you beautiful dork." Ellie thinks she's ready for that talk of their future now. 

They walk together to their respective buildings. Ellie watches, amused, how Charlie still turns heads everywhere she goes even if almost everyone knows they're together. She wants to be offended but it's almost a year of practice of patience that she has finally accepted the fact that she can't do anything about it. 

Early in their relationship, Ellie had some insecurities about this. About Charlie being so flawlessly gorgeous that she might as well be balancing a halo atop her head. About Charlie being so smart she sometimes leaves Ellie speechless. About how she, Ellie the genius asian kid, feels inferior to Charlie's effortless charm and wit. Cause she's not just booksmart, Charlie's street smart. If Ellie lacked the interpersonal skills, it was Charlie who stepped up and made her feel comfortable in her skin. Comfy enough to shed more of her layers and show some skin. Yes, a vneck shirt is considered skin to Ellie. She almost envies her for the seemingly perfect childhood Charlie had. Just the fact that she had both parents alive is good enough for Ellie but they were also so cool with her coming out as gay? Like wow, maybe her family is the reason Charlie's so perfect too. 

Whatever it is, Ellie accepts it as part of being with her. You snag the campus hearthrob? You deal with the envious looks and whispers. She'd rather be envied than hated for their love. Ellie's aware how bad it can be for other out couples. So it's such a blessing that they're lucky enough Grinnell has so many open minded students. It helps that they're two gorgeous ladies too. Ellie objects to this, she thinks she's not that attractive. No way near Charlie's level, but Charlie insists that Ellie's the hot nerdy type. 

If Ellie is quiet and patient with her jealousy, Charlie often deals with hers with humor. Going as far as calling it out sometimes. There's been one too many girls Charlie has stunned by letting them chat up Ellie right in front of her. It's like she's saying 'alright lets see what you got' with her eyes and her signature smirk. But don't get her wrong, Charlie is possessive, very possessive, in fact. She just doesn't let people see it. Cause right after a party or some girl wanting Ellie's attention, Charlie most of the time grabs her and ravages her at home. It's like a control thing with her. It's like she's saying to the world you can look but you can't touch. Ellie is so very amused and flattered. 

\--

Graduation comes and goes. They have their talk about their future and anniversary. Ellie thinks she's never been happier and she's gearing up to say the L word soon enough. She doesn't even think that she has to divulge her Aster story at this point. She's so sure of her future with Charlie that it just seems irrelevant. She's affirmative that her feelings for Charlie is love. A year might be too early but they actually went slow to manage their relationship better. They're still getting to know each other deeper but Ellie is sure. She's sure that this wonderful person can hold her heart and not break it. She's sure that she wants to make Charlie happy and that she wants to support her in everything she does. She's a fan of Charlie, she adores her. Whatever the future holds, she wants Charlie by her side. 

Unfortunately, they won't be in the same city for their internships but they're willing to make it work. That's all Ellie is asking for. Someone willing to put in the effort for her, for their relationship. 

"Are you sure this is all your stuff? It's one duffel bag of clothes and two boxes of donuts?" Ellie inquires from her dresser. 

She's packing her things so that they can catch the train back to Squahamish this afternoon. She wants Charlie to meet Paul and her dad and spend some time with them. They didn't have much time during graduation since Ellie went to dinner with Charlie's family and Paul and her dad had to go back home that same day. She doesn't know if it's a good idea to bring Charlie back home. No offense but her home town would be too boring for Charlie. She said as much to her as a warning but ofcourse Charlie's sturbborness won and here they are. It's just this weekend and a few days, they're still going back to Grinnell to pack up all their stuff, have a few farewell parties with friends and go their separate ways. Charlie's parents has grabbed most of her things so she has time to visit Ellie's home. She's a bit curious.

"Yeah, I mean, it's a few days. And I can always wear your clothes. Perks of a lesbian relationship!"Charlie gives her a toothy smile.

"This one fits me well and your flannels are so adorable." She says while thumbing her cleavage in Ellie's white v-neck shirt. With her messed up hair and just her panties on, she looks like a victoria secret model on a photo shoot perched on top of Ellie's bed. My god, it's one of my childhood fantasies, Ellie mentally high fives her high school self. Well, if she want's to be accurate, her high school fantasy includes a different girl.... stop it, Ellie. She berates herself. 

"Uhm babe, there's actually something I wanna tell you before we get to my hometown." Ellie attempts to keep her cool while finishing up her packing and moving to the bed where her girlfriend now chooses to give her another unconscious pose. The white shirt is now revealing part of her flat tummy and that delicious v line leading down to her..... Ellie quickly moves to cover her up by placing a thin sheet on her without Charlie noticing.

"So you already know how Paul is my bestfriend right? You've talked with him. And that girl we both liked in high school? I mentioned that we liked the same one, right?" Ellie starts speed talking. 

"Ellie, babe, slow down. Yeah, Paul. And yeah, you mentioned that same girl thing. Is there a problem?" Charlie speaks slowly to make Ellie feel comfortable.

"Yup. Okay so did I tell you that before leaving, I kinda kissed her? In the middle of the street? ...and I might have told her that we'd see each other again after a few years..?" She tries to not whisper this. Ellie is wondering why she feels scared. There's nothing going on anymore between them, why does she feel guilty when telling this to Charlie? It's her past. 

"Ohh...kaaay. And?" She can't guess what Charlie is thinking. 

"What do you mean 'and?' Like we kissed, and there's kinda a promise there somewhere...? But you and I are together, Charlie. Aster and I, we've never talked ever since I left." Ellie scratches her neck. She tries to explain it a bit more but can't find the right words to relay to Charlie how confusing but enlightening the whole thing was. How it was Aster who taught her that it's possible for her to have so much feelings for another person. It was Aster who opened up her world in many ways. Aster is her first love.

"Ellie, what I mean is, like you said: we are together. Not you and her, am I right? If you wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with you, wouldn't either of you have done something about that for four years?" Charlie shifts to sit against the wall. She grabs Ellie's hand and starts to play with her fingers.

"Do you want to do something about it? Do you still like her? Do you still have feelings for her?" She asks Ellie with hazel eyes blinking, Ellie knows she's fighting back tears.

"Charlie, I.... I'm falling for you. Ever since we met, I've known you're going to be special to me. I want to be with you all the time. You make me so happy Charlie." Ellie touches her face and tries to convey the truth behind her words. She wants Charlie to know how important she is in Ellie's life. That she's falling for her harder everyday. 

Charlie kisses Ellie tenderly. Saying she loves her right back to her lips. She knows they have to talk about this some more. But right now, she's content with just being with Ellie like this. Finally telling her how she feels and taking the next step in their relationship. 

Ellie moves so that she can put both her hands on the wall either side of Charlie's face so that she's looking right into her eyes for a few seconds, letting Charlie see the raw emotions on Ellie's own face, see how much she loves her. Ellie's never seen hazel eyes like Charlie's before. It's a unique mix of light brown and green, she also catches it turning gold sometimes. Charlie says it's lighting and angles, Ellie swears it has something to do with Charlie's emotions. It's really fascinating. Looking into her liquid gold eyes now, not to wax poetic but she can just get lost in them. It's like looking into the ocean reflecting the sunset. Ellie's overcome with emotions.

She slowly tilts Charlie's face with her right hand so that she can put her tongue inside her mouth. Charlie moans at this. Shifting so that Ellie is on top of her. Touching her in the right places before she slides down her panties. Ellie is playing with her slit again, so very slowly. She's trying not to break the tender moment between them. Charlie can't help but to take a snapshot of this moment. This is the girl she has wanted for so long. This girl she loves, who just told her she loves her back. Charlie is so overwhelmed with-- 

\-- her thoughts stop when she sees Ellie's head going down, about to do that thing she loves almost as much as she loves the girl. Charlie's a sucker for Ellie's tongue; it lets her speak so many wonderful words. It lets her mind convey the most intelligent things. If Charlie was thankful for her pianist fingers, she's even more grateful for her talented tongue. It's magical.

Ellie begins by putting small kisses on Charlie's abs. I should work out more. Can't keep my abs with all these damn donuts around, Charlie takes a quick mental note. Ellie then traces that v line she loves so much, going down down down with her tongue. She parts her clit with her index finger and makes her tongue pointy to glide between her pussy lips then flat to lick all the way up. Repeats that a couple of more times. She then pays attention to each of her pussy lips by flicking it with her tongue, slow then fast and back to slow. She dips her tongue inside her after this and returns to licking. She has sex the way she writes; meticulous, precise and never sloppy, Charlie gives her all the As in her mind. 

By this time, Charlie is dripping wet and a moaning mess. Her toes are permanently curled and she's holding her breath everytime Ellie does something different. Charlie doesn't know how long Ellie tortured her with all the slow licking and sucking but she's sure her knees feel like jelly after. 

She's aware that she at least owes Ellie a few orgasms because she sure as hell wasn't able to reciprocate after. Ellie kinda seemed too determined to make her feel good. And by god, she was exhausted. That was awesome, Charlie couldn't keep her smile even as they scrambled out of the shower.

They barely made it to the train, laughing and trying to catch their breaths. Charlie's happy it's a long train ride, they have more time to make out. And eat her donuts.  
\--  
Later, back at Ellie's room in her house, she'll go back to their conversation and realize... Ellie didn't say if she wanted to do something about the Aster thing.. She didn't answer when asked if she still had feelings for Aster.


	4. Coffee and cigarettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past and Present collide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Is that a bit of flirting?)
> 
> Hello, Aster. Meet Charlie.
> 
> Ps. Ellie is the donut

Ellie does not want to go back. She hates Squahamish. After four years of being an out and proud gay woman used to holding hands with her girlfriends wherever she went, she does not know how to handle being back in a town like this. It feels like she's suffocating. 

She's adamant in being out of the goddamn closet and true to herself wherever she goes. Ellie discovered that she's a very touchy person after her first relationship with the one Paul calls she-who-must-not-be-named. Ellie thinks he's being overdramatic about it. It was her neighbor, it didn't work out between them. Paul's soul was crushed when he thought the girl cheated on Ellie only to find out Ellie wasn't that into it and was already seeing someone else.

Back to Ellie's current dilemma. She's not quite sure how she can put all the gay back in the closet, so to speak, if they're going to be in this town for a while. Cause yeah, she wants to wave the pride flag, wrap her arms around her gorgeous girlfriend and kiss her pretty mouth anytime she likes, but she has enough common sense to know that Squahamish is not the right place and now is not the right time. They can be gay all they want, but they have to be safe first. 

They talked about it during the train ride. (Hey, their communication skills are getting better.) So they agreed on how they should act around other people. Not too touchy but just casual and still normal for them. They're never going to deny that they're together through their actions but they're not going to be shoving their tongues down each other's throats either. They'll have to reserve that for later.

Charlie's already met Paul and her dad so when they stepped onto the platform of the station, it was more of a welcome home Charlie event. Paul could have pushed her to the side for all she cares because seeing her dad talk with Charlie is a bit precious. 

"Mr. Chu Sir!" Charlie salutes her dad when she sees him. Like a good soldier reporting to her commander, Mr. Chu just chuckles at her antics and gets her bag after having kissed Ellie's forehead. Charlie proceeds to report to 'Mr Chu Sir' Ellie's dietary and health history from the time they last spoke up until the train ride. He asks if Charlie has been taking good care of Ellie and Charlie had the audacity to ask if Paul has been taking good care of Mr. Chu.

It's when they're all situated in Paul's truck that he hands out snacks to Charlie first that Ellie thinks she might have been replaced as their favorite. She laughs as Charlie tries to eat some more when they just polished two boxes of donuts on the train. She grabs her hand, puts a light kiss on her knuckles and stares out the window. She's home. 

\--

Okay so her single bed and tiny bedroom shouldn't actually be enough for two people but they make it work. It's mostly Charlie on top of her most of the time. Not in a sexual way though, her dad's downstairs. Well, maybe later but for now they're behaving like two girls in a sleepover. Charlie snoops around her room. Carefully picking up and putting down stuff. She comes across her old guitar with her mom's picture in the case. She inspects every little detail, trying to absorb Ellie's childhood and guessing what was inside her mind when she wrote this or that, bought or made something, just everything about her. It warms Ellie's heart to have someone like her that treasures every little part of Ellie.

They take a nap. After the long train ride and 'busy morning' they had, they're wiped out. Ellie woke up late in the evening with Charlie's face smushed right into her neck. She's drooling a little bit but Ellie's in love and just holds her tighter. Charlie mumbles to her neck what sounds like "stop being a sap" and then "I'm hungry" to which Ellie chuckles. She's always hungry. Someday she'll figure out where she puts it all. 

They watch old movies during dinner. Charlie and her smushed into a single chair, almost perched on Ellie's lap, Paul in the middle and Ellie's dad in his usual seat. It takes Ellie back to high school. The first time Paul was here. Their friendship grew so much after that, she doesn't know what she'd do without him now. Especially with Paul looking after her dad while she's away. She definitely has to treat Paul to some fries and milkshake one of these days.

\--

Ellie and Paul take Charlie around town the next day. Ellie's feeling a little nostalgic, seeing everything again. She didn't have the time to go back home when she was in college. Between tutoring lessons and her part time job, Ellie was always scrambling to save money. The spare time she did have was spent with her friends and girlfriend. She can say that she has become more sociable because of her relationships. She's learned to handle herself well enough in a crowd. Ofcourse, Ellie will always be an introvert so she meticulously plans out time for herself. To relax, read and just be. 

Between all the chaos, Ellie finds time to retreat back to the girl who she was. The loner in the train station. She's come to appreciate the fact that she can be with other people and still nurture her individuality like before.She doesn't have to sacrifice one for the other. She's also aware that her hardships in the past has made her stronger and happier now. She knows that every single person in her life has contributed to who she is in the present. Whether it was because of good memories or heartaches.

She thinks of Aster when they drive by the path leading to the wall where they once painted. She wonders if... 

"Wanna grab some milkshakes?" Paul asks the couple when he notices Ellie's silence.

"I'm always hungry so fine by me. You up for it babe?" Charlie tries to nudge her. Ellie nods, turns up the radio and leans her head on Charlie's shoulder. She's so out of sorts lately.

\--

"That's what I'm talkin bout! It's good, right?" Paul eagerly waits for the verdict. Charlie has just dipped her fries into her milkshake and is carefully chewing it. She takes a look at Ellie, then Paul. Silently, she grabs another fry, shows it to him, dunks it in her milkshake and pops it into her mouth. She chews quietly, nodding.

Paul nods as well, solemn. It's a silent agreement of sorts. Ellie watches as two of the most important people in her life create a weird bonding moment. Paul has met his foodie match. 

While Ellie's using the bathroom, Paul does his obligatory 'I will kill you if you hurt her' talk. It was awkward as hell but they got through it. 

"She's my bestfriend and if you so much as harm a single strand of hair on that head, I'm gonna.. I'm gonna...." 

"I know, Paul." Charlie slowly nods twice.

"And if you cheat on her, I'll make sure to.. like, I'm gonna really.. just , I'll try to make you sad, Charlie. This is a threat, okay?" He says with furrowed brows and what seems to be a chihuahua trying to look fierce face. It's hilarious but Charlie's taking it so damn seriously.

"I'm in love with her Paul. It's more likely that she's the one to make me cry." She says honestly.

"Good. I mean, that you're in love with her. Not that she can make you cry but uhm, I'm kinda sure she loves you too and wouldn't hurt you as well." He takes his fries and motions for her to do the same. They silently dunk it in their milkshakes and stuff it down their throats until Ellie arrives.

She looks at the two quizzically but decides not to inquire about their new found camaraderie.

\---

\--  
It's Charlie who meets Aster first. After all these years... the irony of it makes Ellie shake her head.

Charlie isn't a morning person. She sleeps in most of the time and especially during weekends. She says sleep makes her brain function to its optimal level, she has her grades to back that up. Ellie thinks it's a great excuse. But it's because of this that Charlie is on her own coffee run that late morning. She asked (or charmed) Paul to drop her off to the nearest cafe so she can have her coffee and smoke fix. She doesn't want Mr. Chu smelling any smoke and thinking she's corrupting her only daughter. Ellie wanted to join her but she insists on her independence and that they shouldn't be 'one of those lesbian couples', whatever that means. 

Charlie's deciding on which pastry she'd like to order with her favorite drink (caramel macchiato with extra caramel and sugar) and she's also taking her time looking at the sweets section (who is she kidding, she's gonna order the donuts) when she hears the girl beside her order the same drink and points at the same donuts she was eyeing. 

Now, Charlie isn't one to just talk to a random stranger but she finds herself studying this girl. (Not just because they are now kindred spirits because they have the same taste but because the girl looks kinda familiar, like she's seen her in a movie?) She's wearing a black band shirt with light washed skinny jeans, black chucks and a red bomber jacket . She has big soulful eyes and really good bone structure(!) What she can only describe as kissable lips and what is with her skin? Her complexion is incredible. Her hair is wavy and falls just past her shoulders in layers. Parted to the side and tucked to her ear, she can see some piercings on her left ear. Simple but edgy. She's stunning, Charlie decides. Said girl turns to pay and might have bumped into Charlie if Charlie wasn't paying attention in the first place. 

"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry! Almost crashed into you right there..." The girl's voice is something else too. She must be a good singer, Charlie adds to her mental list.

"S'okay.." then the blonde adds "You know you have really good bone structure? It's classic actually." Charlie weirdly comments but quickly follows up with "I'm not hitting on you or anything, I have a girlfriend. It's just, a really good face, y'know? Good job to your parents." 

The girl lets out a laugh, a full bellied unhindered one, at this. "Shit, I really needed that this morning. Thank you." She smiles at Charlie.

"You have dimples too? That's not fair." Charlie notices. The girl is keeping herself from releasing another laugh now and just smirks. 

"Well, Ms Hazel Eyes, you have great things on your face too. And I'm not flirting, just noticing too." then the girls says "I'm Aster Flores, and you are?" 

\---

\--  
Art school was a bitch, for lack of a better term. Aster had to churn in one masterpiece after another to keep up with her scholarship. She found it was easier if she had a cigaretter before her creative process. Preferably at the crack of dawn and with a cup of the strongest but sweetest coffee she could brew. But she made it. She actually did all that she envisioned to do in college and then some. It was empowering. She can feel that she is closer to the version of herself that she always wanted to be. 

Thanks to Ellie's push, she has come to find the strength within her to tackle of the challenges coming from her strict catholic background. Not to mention the typical identity crisis of finding your way in the world. From her coming out to truly identifying and pursuing her passion in life, Aster harnessed the willpower to overcome all the hurdles with the mindset that she wants to become better, she NEEDS to be better. Not just because she wants to be deserving of Ellie but because she owes it to herself to be unapologetically authentic. It helps with her art too. 

Not to say that Aster was waiting around for Ellie (it is true though, she knows it's true. At least unconsciously, she has been waiting) but they haven't even seen or contacted each other for four long years. She had a few relationships, some serious and others just for fun but Ellie was always at the back of her mind. She served as the parameter for future girlfriends and boyfriends. Yes, Aster is bisexual. She knows it, everybody in art school knows it. Even her parents now know it (her coming out story is a whole nother story) but she is out and proud, finally.

So looking at this girl in front of her who has just casually revealed that she has a girlfriend, in Squahamish of all places, she feels like she's a kindred spirit. Like all the gays in the world are part of her tribe now, Aster feels comfortable enough to talk to this stranger.

\--

\---  
Meanwhile, Charlie's looking like she has something stewing inside her mind, as if she's trying to solve a complicated riddle.

The two girls chat on the counter while waiting for their coffees. They have the same order, right down to the extra caramel and sugar. Charlie lets Aster have the last donut on the display, (well she ordered it first, what can I do? Wrestle it out of her hands? And she's really pretty okay?) She settles for her coffee and a smoke outside instead.

"I just figured out who you looked like; Dianna Agron." Aster comments upon seeing the blonde blow out smoke from her pink lips. She lights up her own cigarette while studying the other girl.

She's really really pretty, Aster thinks. Kinda cool too. She leans back against the side of the cafe building's wall and just observes her. Charlie's wearing one of Ellie's camo plaid shirts, denim short shorts and white sneakers. She has a black cap on top of her side braided hair. Flicking on her cigarette but daintily sipping on her coffee. She's a contradiction. Casual but somehow pulls it off and makes it look elegant. How is that even possible? Aster questions in her mind. This girl is something else.

"Well thanks very much, young Liv Tyler." Charlie says smoothly. As if she has nicknames ready for anyone. "Hmm Quinn Fabray right? I hate Glee but I love them cheerleaders. Quinn's hot, muchas gracias, but Santana's my dream girl."

"Liv... like Arwen, from Lord of the Rings? I don't usually get that. You a nerd or something?" She teases the blonde girl. "And I dunno, I like Tina.. the Asian girl? Is that weird? She's not even gay."

"Nerd's are hot. My girlfriend's the one who watches it. She has a crush on Liv Tyler's character." She continues with "Don't show her your face too much, she might like it too. She's Asian, your type." and winks at Aster.

Aster blushes. It's been a while since a girl has blatantly complimented her like this. In Squahamish, it's not that common to get a genuine compliment. Most of the girls here are dicks. Ellie's the one exception, she adds in her head as an afterthought.

Aster lights up another cigarette. She just met this girl and she already knows her sexual orientation, or at least that she has a girlfriend. So she's not straight. Where did this girl come from? She seems so outgoing and damn, does she ooze with sex appeal and charm. 

They chat for a while, Charlie mentioning that she's in town to visit her girlfriend's family from college. Aster telling her that she's from here, only just returning from school too. They discuss their favorite cigarette brand, pastries and coffee, finding out that they kinda have similar tastes in general. 

Oh, they have similar tastes alright, Charlie confirms in her mind.

Charlie's thinking she might just have found her brunette, right-brained equivalent when she gets a text from Ellie asking her if she's okay and if she's done. Should Paul pick her up now? 

"Hey Liv, I have to get going. My girlfriend's bff is about to swing by and I wanna drive his truck. But we should hang sometime while I'm here. I'm guessing you know my girl from how small this town is.." Charlie decides that they should at least be friends.

"Oh, ofcourse. Anytime. Hey, listen I have my car.. this seems weird and sudden, but I can drive you back? I really don't want to go home right now. Where you headed anyway?" Aster inquires. 

Silly of her to forget to ask who her girlfriend is. They just really clicked so well and she was having a good time talking to this mysterious girl. Her girlfriend must be cool as well to have bagged someone like her. Not many people are out and proud lesbians in this town. She could actually think of just one who is. 

Only one who can come back from college with a girlfriend..

Only one lesbian who happens to have a bestfriend driving a truck...

And did Charlie say her girlfriend's Asian....?

OH SHIT!! Aster's mind screams, her fingers unconsciously drop her cigarette to the ground, while Charlie says:

"The train station. You know Ellie Chu? She's MY girlfriend." 

Charlie says while texting Ellie no need for Paul to pick her up, she's a big girl. She got a ride back instead from a 'Liv', her new friend, to which Ellie replies with:

'DO NOT RIDE IN STRANGER'S CARS, DID YOU MOM NOT TEACH YOU THAT?! Who is this Liv??' And Charlie just chuckles. She has a surprise for Ellie.

She then looks at Aster like she knows something, a secret maybe. Meanwhile Aster feels like she just got punched in the gut then slapped in the face, for good measure. 

Looks like she's making the familiar trip to the station. And, about to see the love of her life again after so many years apart... but with another girl, her freakin girlfriend. Possibly one of the most beautiful girls Aster's ever met. She wants to pinch herself. This is an honest to goodness real life nightmare. 

What a morning. 

She needs another smoke. And/or a flat tire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Aster call each other the love of their lives in their minds
> 
> I won't dwell too much on Aster's college days but will mention significant things in connection to the present.
> 
> *sorry if my love for donuts, coffee and smoking bled thru this story


	5. Somebody else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I heard you found somebody else  
> And at first, I thought it was a lie..
> 
> You're intertwining your soul with somebody else
> 
> -1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Aster. Our baby has a long way to go. She's a tough cookie though!

The ride from the cafe to the station was awkward at first. Aster wasn't going to just blurt out her history with Ellie to her freakin girlfriend and Charlie was a bit annoyed, but a lot amused, to have seemingly roped in Ellie's ex from her coffee run. What are the chances? Well, in this town apparently the chances are against Charlie. 

Aster is about to have an anxiety attack behind the wheel. Her usual carefree driving style was replaced with her constantly changing the radio station and fumbling with anything else on hand. What the hell is she doing here with Ellie's girlfriend? She should have taken back her offer to drive when she realized who the girlfriend is. But it's too late now. God, I'm so awkward. Aster sighed.

What does Charlie even know? Did Ellie tell her everything about them-- that earth shattering kiss? Aster internally panics. She's on a spiral from the thought that Ellie might have told her girlfriend about them. It's most likely, with how Charlie has been throwing hints left right and center, and it seems, just for the hell of it. Does she really think it's funny to torment her girlfriend's ex? 

Well, if it wasn't happening to her and if Aster wasn't about to implode inside out, she would have joined Charlie in finding this situation kinda funny. It's such a coincidence that the two of them would be at the same place, same time and then clicked so well. 

Aster would have teased, or more so, annoyed the ex of any girlfriend or boyfriend of hers given the chance. But since this is happening to her, it has been a few minutes of her trying to breathe properly while simultaneously doing her best not to crash the car. 

Despite her trying to act cool and aloof, she comes back to the question niggling her mind. If Ellie told Charlie about her, does that mean she still cares? Or was she just telling Charlie about her past? Does Ellie still think about Aster? 

Because thoughts about Ellie, those are archived in a special folder in her mind. It's especially reserved for when she reads an interesting part in her favorite books, when she's staring at a particularly intriguing piece of art, whenever she watches a foreign film with subtitles, sees a bottle of Yakult, when she... 

Okay so thoughts of Ellie are frequent and fills her with longing. Hence, she tries her hardest to bury them. Forget them. Stop herself. Or at the very least not cry when she wants to call her or message her but can't. 

After all the progress that she's made, she unfortunately just can't pluck the courage to contact her. Excluding all the craziness that was their past and the baggage it has created, (really Aster, you cheated on Trig, not to mention with Paul but also on Paul with your feelings for Ellie), how does one even go back to their first love and just present yourself to them?

Not that she hasn't picked up her phone to do so. God knows how many times her friends have seen her intoxicated, tears streaming down her face, with the occasional hiccup while clutching her phone with the Ghost Messenger app open. 

Aster has a list of reasons why she should versus why she should not contact Ellie. She goes from trying to retreating in between her relationships. She has had a few, but no one has ever came close to her connection to Ellie. She's not entirely sure if it's because she's her first love, a dream girl ideal type situation or if she just really wants her to be her last.

A part of her will always wonder about the idea of them as a couple. Ellie and Aster. Ellie and Aster. She keeps on turning it over and over in her mind, like a lovesick teenager whenever she's in one of her Ellie rabbit hole. Usually late at night or early in the mornings; when her thoughts are uninhibited. When she can't really fight off her heart's desires. 

She's aware that the ball's in her court. That afternoon in main street, when Ellie told her to see her in a couple of years? That whole thing is Ellie's way of serving the ball to her court. It's Aster's move now. They left it open ended. Like there's hope but let's see. 

So yeah, Aster understands what she has to do. She has done probably all of it. Just, the part where she comes back to Ellie? Not yet. Or, maybe never. Now that she has met Ellie's cool girlfriend who looks like she took the time off from the set of a movie to grace them with her presence. 

Why does Aster even care, it's been four long years! If she didn't make the move to contact Ellie, why didn't Ellie do it herself? They were friends, right? It wouldn't hurt to ask Aster how she was doing once in a while. She tries to reason with herself, apply logic to rein in her feelings.

She tries to calm down her emotions but it's so hard knowing that she's about to see Ellie and with Charlie beside her, this is turning into a shit show.

And why did she suddenly feel guarded? They were having a great conversation back at the cafe. (Before the girlfriend reveal, that is) Charlie is nice, Aster doesn't have to feel so... threatened.

\---

Neither girl wanted to talk about anything Ellie related so they just skirted around other topics until... Charlie being Charlie, just about had enough of their silly selves and suddenly said:

"Ellie really has great taste. I mean, I've seen her exes in college. I should have known you wouldn't be an exception to that." Turning to face Aster, she gave her a small smile.

Aster's eyes widened for a second but she was quick to reply with "She's not technically my ex... but you're not an exception either. You're gorgeous." She says while keeping her eyes on the road.

Charlie giggles. Setting aside the automatic rivalry that was imposed by Ellie's existence, she quite likes Aster. She's witty and kinda sarcastic. She likes that.

"I'm sure Ellie's gonna have a conniption when she sees who I brought home with me. I just told her my friend Liv's driving me back. The girl has no idea, I think I wanna film this." Charlie tries to joke about the impending awkwardness that is Ellie Chu to ease some of the tension.

"I... don't eally know what to do or say right now." Aster offers her a shy tentative smile. 

"This is weird cause I don't know what Ellie told you, but it seems you know something happened between us. And you're right." Just this statement coming from Aster would have unnerved her high school self but it's been four years. Aster has accepted and realized so many things since then.

"It's really not my place to say anything, especially we just met, but if Ellie's told you about our history, then I'm open to discuss it with you." Aster shrugs. She wants to believe that she has grown throughout the years, widened her perspective about things including sexuality and religion. She's also learned how to properly process and express her emotions and thoughts. Ellie's impact in her life really was the catalyst that pushed her to face up to so many things that she was afraid to deal with growing up. 

"Nah, I'm good." Charlie leans back, was about to put her feet on the dashboard but thinks twice about it. She decides to raise both her hands and fold them at the back of her head instead. She's trying to relax in spite of their current predicament.

"I mean, I'm curious but it's something between you two. I don't want to insert myself in that. If it's a closure type of thing, by all means. I'm cool with whatever. I trust Ellie. And you seem like a good person." Charlie says sincerely. 

"Besides, do you know how many people have wanted to come in between Ellie and I? That dork's a chick magnet." Aster raises her eyebrows at this. "What I'm saying is, I'm okay keeping my nose out of Ellie's business since I know Ellie would never cheat on me. She's so pure and awkward, she wouldn't dare." Charlie states and tries to not chuckle at Ellie's cuteness. Her awkwardness is adorable.

"But for real, that girl has a strict moral code. It would crush her first if she does something to hurt the people she loves. It's actually one of the things I love about her." 

Even though she surmises that Ellie has some leftover feelings, attraction or whatever for Aster, Charlie believes that they can get past it. She's seen how Ellie has dismissed (either by accident because she's oblivious or because of her morals) so many girls by now that her trust has long been cemented. 

After hearing this, Aster can't help but to have conflicting emotions. On the one hand, she's proud of how far Ellie has come. From the quiet but opinionated girl who had a hard time stringing a sentence in front of her in the hallways, to someone who seems to be more confident and self assured. The growth and maturity is reflected in their relationship.

On the other, Aster can't deny that she's pretty jealous. So fucking jealous. That Ellie is making someone feel this way, that Ellie has rejected countless others for this one girl. Albeit said girl seems amazing, Aster still feels a twinge of pain from hearing that Ellie loves someone else. It's ridiculous. It's been years since she's seen or heard from Ellie but Aster can never let go of the idea of them getting back together. Not that they were together in the first place, but Aster considers Ellie as her first love. That has to mean something. 

"That's good to hear Charlie. I'm... happy that Ellie found someone like you." Aster whispers. 

Charlie nods. What else could she say to that? I'm happy you let Ellie go cause she met me? Thanks for the opportunity? Sorry not sorry? Charlie considers this. She is a bit sorry. Because she's aware how lucky she is to be with Ellie. She knows Ellie's value, she sees Ellie's worth everyday. And she can't imagine how devastating it could be to pass up on her. To let her slip away from her fingers. She could never do that, it would hurt too much to lose someone like her. 

Aster drops Charlie off and makes an excuse why she has to leave immediately. Charlie's aware that she just wanted to avoid seeing Ellie. Maybe they're not due for that closure yet. Or ever. Who knows? 

\-- 

It's later that afternoon when she finally gives in and tells Ellie she met the one and only Aster Flores. As always, Charlie approaches anything serious with humor. 

"You didn't tell me your high school crush was a bombshell babe. Like, whoo! That girl is smokin." She says complete with a 'tss' sound, mimicking a burn on her arm.

Ellie stares at her. The gears in her head turning. 

Charlie continues with "and lets talk about them lips. She's got this incredible smile, yeah? Has she ever gotten braces or is her teeth that absurdly perfect?" 

Ellie is wide eyed now. "She's also got these big doe eyes. What color are they Ellie? I didn't get to look properly." Charlie knows she's pushing it. "She looks a lot like Liv Tyler, does she not?"

"Uhm.. Liv.. yeah." It now makes sense to Ellie who dropped her off. "Charlie...I..uhm" 

"And she has this cute yellow car. She even drove me here. Really nice of her. She practically ran away though. Must be because of you, babe." Charlie knows she's acting like a crazy jealous girlfriend now, albeit in a passive aggressive way but she's a bit insecure okay? Aster Flores is a certified goddess. It's different when you just hear about it. Like yeah okay, Ellie can't get over her childhood crush.. that seems normal. But this time? She saw Aster with her own two eyes. 

She can only describe Aster as a living breathing goddess come down to earth to torment mankind with her perfectness. How does one just walk around looking like that without getting mauled by everyone? She seems like she's glowing for christ's sake! And damn it, it's not just about her looks. It's really not. Cause Charlie can handle it if it's just a pretty chick. But she seems like a smart one. Like she has amazing ideas just waiting for her to be plucked out from that beautiful head of hers and spoken through that oh so plump lips. 

Charlie wants to so badly believe that she's not in any way or form threatened by this otherwordly creature in the form of her girlfriend's ex. (She will be calling her 'the ex' from now on since she has to give it to Ellie to have snagged Aster way back. That shit is real. They didn't have to formally label it, feelings were reciprocated.)

For all of Charlie's talk about trust, she didn't consider her insecurities to pop up once she's out of the general proximity of Aster Flores. She'll admit she was putting a brave front out there. When she realized it was THE childhood crush, it's like she went on auto pilot defense mode. And what's that saying? Keep your enemies closer. 

Charlie knows she's being overdramatic. This is no war. She doesn't need to deploy tactics and take down Aster. As if she's even capable of it. Charlie's a big softie at heart. She simply enjoys annoying and poking everybody, but she's never going to hurt anybody intentionally. She's just a bit worried. She saw her competition.

And she doesn't know what to do with all this Aster Flores business. What can she even do? It's not like there's something happening between her girlfriend and her ex in the first place. They said its been years since they last saw each other. Why is this bothering Charlie so much? Maybe it's her insecurities, (or intuition?) but she just can't shake off the weird feeling she has about all this.

She decides to give Ellie the benefit of the doubt since to her credit, she hasn't really done anything to upset Charlie. It's not her fault they bumped into each other. It's not her fault they got along so well. 

"Charlie, I want to be honest with you. And you know I always try to be, right? Aster, she's my childhood everything. My crush, my muse, my dream girl. Hell, she was my sexual awakening. I didn't expect for her to return the feelings. I don't even know until now if she actually does. She kissed me back and I just hoped the feelings were reciprocated. There were hints but you know me, I need confirmation. It needs to be spelled out to me. Maybe it's that vagueness that's been on the back of my mind all these years. The curiosity." She shrugs. 

"I don't know. We had a strong connection. That's not something I could just forget." Ellie is unloading everything in this very moment and Charlie is stunned.

"I guess I'm being defensive about this cause I don't know how to handle it Charlie." She says honestly. She grabs Charlie's hand, not unlike the first time they talked about this, plays with her fingers and says "She was my first love. And I think there are some lingering feelings. She will always be special to me. The admiration, I think, would never go away. But no matter the situation, if it's not mutual or even if it is, Charlie I'm with you. I love you. We're together and I would never ever make you feel less important or second only to anyone.

"I fell in love with you and I am committed to you, to us. Yes, she was my first love but you, you're my present and hopefully my future. You're amazing Charlie and I hope you don't feel that you're just someone I'm with because I was waiting for her. It's not like that for me. I have genuine strong feelings for you. I'll always choose us." Ellie says with tears in her eyes.

"I'm glad you could open up like this Ellie. I would rather know every little thing than for you to bottle up things and keep them hidden from me." She gives Ellie a sincere look.

"I think it's normal to still admire our exes. They don't stop being wonderful and amazing just because they're out of our lives. Maybe the love we have for them just becomes another different kind. But I believe it's still there. Especially when you left things like that." Charlie soldiers on. This is extremely hard for her to say but if she wants a mature relationship, she has to choose to be the bigger person and try to understand and support her partner.

"And nostalgia's a pain in the ass." She adds making Ellie chuckle. She never misses an opportunity to make Ellie feel better. Despite the situation, Charlie is still the one keeping things light and easy for Ellie to open up. Ellie is eternally grateful fof Charlie's humor and upbeat personality.

"I'm sorry if I kept some things from you. I just didn't want to hurt you when I wasn't even sure of what I'm feeling. She crosses my mind sometimes back in college but coming back here, it's like blast from the past, you know? I suddenly had to confront the fact that I may still have unfinished business." Ellie is raw and unfiltered. She hopes Charlie can only be more patient with her.

"I'm not saying it's okay or that it's fair, Ellie. Ofcourse it's not. This is so fucking hard for me. Like I think I'm about to have acid reflux." She jokes and gives Ellie a wry smile. 

"But if experience has taught me anything, it's that we have to communicate everything properly. Process these things, good or bad, if we want to be good partners for each other. You having leftover feelings for her is not... ideal, for me. It's actually really hurtful but since you explained everything to me, I get your side. I see that it's not personal. It's not because of me that you can't forget about her, it's just something between you two. And I know that I just can't come in your life and erase everything else from the past. It doesn't work like that." (Unfortinately, Charlie wants to add)

"You became the person you are now because of your past. And I love you, which means I have to accept your past. Even if it's an insanely gorgeous girl who I just met. Seriously Ellie, she's beautiful. And you should be glad that I'm this confident and my self esteem is still intact cause babe, if it was anyone else, you'd be in trouble." Charlie finishes her tirade.

Ellie's aware that she's only trying to be strong, trying to put up a front for Ellie's sake. And good god, this girl is incredible. Instead of flipping out and handling things poorly, she turned things around and has even managed to not only understand her but make her feel better. 

Even through her heartache, she still puts Ellie's welfare above anything else. What has Ellie done in her past life to deserve such a person? Charlie's one of the most amazing people she has ever met. She's kinda extraordinary in Ellie's eyes. 

"I'm sorry Charlie. Sorry if I'm upsetting you right now. If I'm causing you pain. I would never want to hurt you. I just want to keep you safe and happy all the time, and I suck for hurting you. I'm aware how shitty this is and I am right now, that I had to put you in a situation like this. You deserve someone better than me." Ellie chokes out the words.

But Charlie, ofcourse gives her another reason to love her more. She reminds her of the time when they were just frenemies. When they haven't processed their true feelings for each other.

"Remember when you were with whats-her-face? (Ellie rolls her eyes) and you were beginning to notice me more? And I kept on annoying you to get your attention?" Charlie asks. 

"Yeah, you were like a pre-adolescent boy teasing me all the time." Charlie giggles at this. Good times.

"But did you do anything about it? When you knew that you were developing a crush on me but you were with her, did you do anything?" Charlie's banking on Ellie's truthfulness on this. She knows Ellie. She's going to say the truth no matter what.

"Well, no. It was just a crush. And I knew nothing would happen cause you annoyed me a lot. And you had the pick of the whole school. Literally you could have wanted anyone and they would drop everything and be with you. Like, why would you want me?" Ellie answers her sincerely. 

"Exactly, I'm hot. (Ellie slaps her arm but agrees nonetheless) but seriously Ellie... my point is, I'm hotter than Aster." She gives her a cheeky grin. Ellie does another eye roll. 

"No but for real, babe. Your moral code is everything to you so I trust you. That's why I'm not freaking out so much. Yes, my ego's bruised and you need to make it up to me preferably sooner than later." She winks suggestively at Ellie. "But we're gonna get through this. We chose to be with each other and we're going to make it work. Whatever it takes. Whether you like it or not." She finishes with a stern look but grins afterwards to indicate she's kidding. (It doesn't reach her eyes.)

"You don't need to tell me Charlie, I don't need a reminder because I choose you too, everyday. You're not that hard to fall in love with, you know. Even when you were annoying me back then, you still managed to make me smile and laugh as well. You're actually pretty amazing. And I won't promise anything because you don't need me to swear to 'behave' or forget about her. You deserve better than those words. Just know that I'll always choose to do what's right by you." She says this while looking straight at her favorite pair of hazel eyes. Charlie turns away from the intense eye contact with a blush peppering her cheeks.

"Okay, okay. God, stop it with the rom-com shit. I love you too, alright." 

Then she grabs Ellie's hand, puts it inside her shirt where her abs would be and says "Now it's time for you to make it up to me, woman!"

To which Ellie laughs and happily obliges. She loves Charlie, always will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Aster will meet up soon enough. Anticipation is exciting :) 
> 
> This chapter was about logic versus feelings. Also, different ideologies on love. The one where it's destined vs one that you choose everyday. 
> 
> Hold on cause there will be a lot more Charlie and Ellie. I will flesh out their relationship just for exploration and for Ellie to experience different kinds of love. After all, life is about learnings.
> 
> Ps, more jealousy to come!


	6. Seeing you again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking through you  
> While you're looking through your phone  
> And then leaving with somebody else
> 
> -Somebody else, the 1975
> 
> Some more jealous Aster and pining from our lil gay bean. She finally sees Ellie but they don't meet yet.*
> 
> New character, Aster's bestfriend from college.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just saw the deleted scene; Aster's confession and it's so sad seeing her so conflicted and miserable. I wanted to capture that in this chapter cause im a masochist. 
> 
> The loneliness. Sigh.
> 
> Ps, im picturing post college Ellie and Aster as more like Leah and Alexxis. Leah with the hair and jock type look sometimes she has. Alexxis is goofier and so I want Aster to have access to her goofy side. Cause yknow, she's much more free now since coming out.

It's Paul who sees Aster next. Aster is rummaging around the unhealthy food section of their local grocery store when he sees her and taps her shoulder.

"Hello stranger!" Paul grins his puppy dog grin and Aster smiles.

"Oh hey paul! Long time no see." Aster stops looking for her spicy chips that seems to be avoiding her.

"Good to see you Aster. It's been a while! Haven't seen you around town for years. How are you? Congrats, heard you graduated. You know Ellie's back too!" He says one thing after another, excited as usual. 

"Uh yeah. I know. I met her girlfriend yesterday. And yes, finally done with art school. I'm just back to visit for a while before moving again for work. How about you?" Aster inquires. She listens to Paul's rant about hanging out with Charlie and Ellie lately, his taco sausage truck at the park, how it's really picking up and that she should try it sometime. 

She promises to and she's not just saying that to be polite. She's forgiven Paul for what they did. Yes, it hurt like a mother to be fooled but she understands that it was from a good place. They did it because Paul thought he was in love with her. And also, Ellie Chu falling for Aster in the process wasn't a bad consequence, not at all. Speaking of Ellie Chu... 

"Uhm Paul, could I ask you a question? About... Ellie?" Aster broaches the topic with her heart beating wildly.

"Yeah, 'course Aster. I know about that 'mind blowing' kiss by the way." Paul casually mentions. And seeing Aster's surprise, quickly says "Oh, sorry!. It's just, we had a conversation about it." 

She wonders how many more descriptive words they can attach to that kiss. Earth shattering is her favorite. Life changing? That's definitely true for her. She could go on in her head but Paul is looking apprehensively at her.

"S'alright Paul. I just uhm... I wanted to ask, and sorry if this touches a nerve but how did you get over Ellie not wanting to kiss you? I mean, back when I saw you kiss her. And she pushed you away. I didn't quite understand what happened. There was the whole church event but I guess what I'm trying to ask is how did you stop loving her? What did you do so that you can stop hoping for her to love you back?" She asks softly. She hopes that he could open up to her. Even if it's in the middle of the chips aisle of this store. 

Hearing her question, Paul points to a more secluded area so they could continue to talk without people's hands grabbing snacks near their faces.

Paul looks at Aster. Studies her for a few seconds. He's reminded why he had a crush on her all those years ago. He sighs. How come Ellie has all these beautiful women pining over her? Well, he knows how it feels after all. He once was standing in the exact line for Ellie's love. He does not want to be in it again. He loves Ellie, but it's in the bestfriendship type of way. No way can he see himself with her as a couple now. 

"Look Aster, I was confused back then. But I'm not gonna lie, with you it was more of a crush. But with her, I just saw her entirely you know? And what I saw in her, it was this amazing girl who is so strong and yet so squishy on the inside." Aster quirks a smile at this. 

"She's like one of those breads with a crust on the outside but with a filling? When you bite on it, it's gooey and sticky inside? Best of both worlds. Oh, this is making me hungry." He scratches his eyebrow. Aster stifles a laugh.

"She's a really good person and she's so smart. I guess looking back, it was more of loving who she is. Wanting to be someone like her but at the same time, I was a fan of hers, yknow? She's great. I couldn't not love her. So to answer your question, I still do. I love her." He shrugs his burly shoulder.

Aster's about to lose it, cause really? How many more are in love with Ellie? When Paul interrupts her with:

"I love her like I love one of my cousins now. Not quite a sister cause yknow, she's more of a brother but uhh like a little cute cousin. Yeah, more like that. She's family now. I couldn't possibly see myself with her. It's like incest." He concludes with a full toothed grin. 

"So now, it's a different kind of love. And what I did to change it? I guess when I really thought about it and began to accept that we have no future, there was a shift with how I was able to view her and my relationship with her. I only want what's best for her and if that isn't me, then I love her enough to let the idea of us go."

"Wow Paul, that's... I'm happy for you." Aster says. She could only hope she can do this. That she can find it in her to let Ellie go. 

"Thanks Aster. She's my bestfriend, I'd do anything for her." And then he gets this look on his face, a somewhat constipated look if you ask Aster, and says "By the way, would you like to hang out with us soon? You haven't talked to her for a while, right? Might be good to catch up." 

Aster considers this. She can't run away from her feelings forever. Maybe she just needs some form of closure from Ellie? Now that she has a girlfriend, Ellie most probably doesn't feel the same way about her anymore. It's a bit egotistic of her to think that Ellie is still waiting around for her. By the way Charlie describes Ellie, she must have girls lined up wanting to be with her. 

Why would she ever consider waiting for someone who she isn't even sure has figured herself out already? And Ellie hasn't contacted her for four years. It must mean that she's over Aster by now. Maybe even when she lost touch and didn't see her, it was that easy for her. Aster tries to hurt herself with these thoughts so that she can be okay with letting her go.

"Yeah, okay sure. I have a few more weeks here. Just let me know. You still have my number right?" She asks Paul. He nods, smiles, tells her to be in touch and leaves.

With that, Aster is left with more thoughts and emotions to analyze. She hopes that Paul didn't get a clue that she still has feelings for his bestfriend. That she was asking how to stop loving Ellie because she can't take the thought of seeing her with somebody else. 

\--- 

The next few days were spent with Ellie and Charlie preparing for the new chapter of their lives. They'll be moving to two different cities for work in a matter of weeks and it's stressful. They still have to go back to university to pack up some stuff and have a few farewell parties with friends. 

Charlie is situated on Ellie's bed, while she's busy typing away on her laptop on her desk. Ellie somehow manages to do some type of work even before her formal work starts, that's how active she is. Charlie finishes sending a message to her friends' group chat and eyes Ellie. 

With her work taking her on a different location, not that far from Ellie but hey, it's still a different city, she wants to soak up every time they still have left. She gets up from the bed, waits for Ellie to finish sending the email she was working on and slowly straddles her. 

Ellie immediately puts her hands on Charlie's lower back, supporting her. She's wearing one of Ellie's hoodies with another one of her sinfully short shorts. Ellie slides her hands upwards, quirks her eyebrows at the lack of a bra and massages Charlie's sides. 

Charlie just wants to be close to her so she inserts her face to the crook of Ellie's neck. Letting her girlfriend touch her any way she likes. It's so comforting how Ellie moves her hands over her. Touching her body, letting her know that she's here, she's with her and she's grounded. 

They stay like this, enjoying each other's presence silently, until Ellie's dad calls them for dinner. Charlie wishes she can have more moments like this with Ellie in the future. 

\---

Ellie has long accepted that Charlie isn't like Aster in the way that they could discuss art and literature for hours. Charlie is intelligent, it's just the different kind. She likes psychology, science and she's an engineer for christ sake. (It's what Edwin Chu loves about Charlie) She loves crime shows and comedies. The one thing she has in common with Aster? Horror or psycho thriller films. Which unfortunately freaks Ellie out. Why couldn't it have been rom-coms? She can stomach those. 

It's 11pm at night and Charlie decided to torment her girlfriend by making her watch one of her favorite films. Don't get her wrong, Ellie appreciates a good story coupled with excellent cinematography in any genre, it's just that horror really isn't her thing. 

Charlie knows this and takes the opportunity to freak Ellie out so she can snuggle with her, like one of those moves guys pull on their girls on first dates. It's cheesy but that's how Charlie is. She takes romanticism another level. A weird one at that. 

"If I went missing for a few days, would you ever look for me? Like, how could you know that I wasn't taken by a serial killer and held captive somewhere?" Charlie quizzes her. Not unlike the many times she has asked Ellie morbid questions like these. 

"I think we should have a code word or something. If ever you were held hostage, then the captor lets you call me for ransom, you can say our code word to help me figure everything out." Ellie answers her and follows it up with "here's a question for you, best way to dispose of a body, go!" 

"I'll eat it. Chop it all up, freeze it, fry some and then juice others. Easy peasy." Charlie looks so proud of her answer. 

"That's nasty babe. What if it doesn't taste good? You'd have to keep the body parts just the right temperature and with the appropriate seasoning to remove the human taste. You could ask Paul advice regarding condiments. And maybe turn it into human sausages." Ellie sagely advises.

"Nah, he's a puppy. He might faint. I'll have to give him the meat to make sausages without him knowing its from humans." Charlie giggles. 

"It actually bothers me how I find your giggling about chopped up body parts attractive. This one's on me. Your weirdness is fascinating." Ellie tells her. Charlie smirks at her while pawing at her legs. (She's obsessed with Ellie's legs.)

"Speaking of mr taco sausage, he dropped by when you were napping a while ago, asked if we'd be up to help him with the food truck day after next. It's going to be at the park." She informs Ellie. 

"Ofcourse, it's alright with me. Would you like to? There'll be free food." Ellie knows how to catch her attention and close the deal. Charlie gives in, food and Ellie in a park sounds good.

They continue watching her film, make out and snuggle in Ellie's tiny bed. Life is good, Charlie thinks before drifting off to sleep. 

\--- 

It's Aster who finally sees Ellie after four long years of being apart. At the park. With her girlfriend. 

Ofcourse she knew that there was a big chance she'd run into them eventually. And coming here to eat from Paul's food truck? It's a bit stalkerish for Aster's taste. That's why when her younger sister asked her to drive her to the park and see her friends, she was intent on declining. But when her Dad looked at her with that 'I will exorcise you if you don't do it' way, well she couldn't refuse could she? 

Her plan was to drop her sister off and high tail it but alas, just when she was about to do so, Paul caught sight of her and was frantically waving at her. With no Ellie in sight, she ventured out of her car and decided to just get the damn sausage for take out. 

She didn't get to chat with Paul since it's a little after lunch and the truck's still busy but that's fine with her, less time to be there. 

Take out dangling from her hands and ready to go, she didn't anticipate that she would catch a glimpse of Ellie beside the truck. Leaning against it with hands on her pockets (she remembers in her mind's eye seeing Ellie doing this on her little booth at the station, looking and smiling at Aster) and Charlie standing in front of her, they couldn't see Aster with their angle but she could clearly see them. She would be able to pick out Ellie's side profile in any crowd.

Given that she looked different now. Different in a good way, Aster decides. She's wearing a light blue v neck shirt that fits her so well, white shorts and ofcourse her chucks. But the thing that caught Aster's full attention? She wore her hair down. 

Her. Hair. down. Her shiny, full volumed, hair freakin down. It's like Aster is a woman in a desert looking at Ellie like she's a tall glass of water with the way she's just drinking her image in. Mentally capturing a picture of it. 

She's starting to feel a bit creepy with herself now since she just moved from staring at her luscious hair to eye fucking her long legs (which by the way is the first time she sees it so sue her) and so Aster quickly ducks inside her car and almost runs over a pair of snooty women gossiping while strolling, in her haste. 

But not before she sees Ellie tuck a piece of hair behind Charlie's ear. She was so delicate with it, like Charlie is a piece of fragile art. Like one of those sculpture of goddesses she often sees displayed in museums. The two of them looked like they were at a goddamn photo shoot with how aesthetically pleasing they looked. Not to mention Charlie is almost glowing in that yellow sundress.

This was it for Aster. It's like she felt someone actually put one of those fancy handheld mini blenders inside her stomach and just turbo mixed her insides. It physically hurt her to see Ellie with someone else. She leans her forehead on her steering wheel. Breathe. She's starting to have a headache.

Heart beating wildly, she drives around town. She needs to distract herself and process things properly. She asks herself: what is she doing? She finally saw Ellie and she literally runs away? She didn't even see her up close and this is how her body reacts? She went on a full body equivalent of a mental breakdown there. 

Not just because of the raw unfiltered jealousy she felt. She knows by now that she would get jealous when she sees them together. Going by the reaction she has with just the thought of Ellie with someone else, she has been preparing herself for when she actually sees the real thing. But what caught her off guard was Ellie's pull on her. After all these years.

How could the attraction be this strong and palpable? It's been four long years! Surely the intensity should have dialed down? Was it like this before? She couldn't remember it being like this. 

She was curious about Ellie even before they talked in that hallway when she dropped her books, and when they did properly converse, she was excited and giddy. There was longing and desire too especially after the hot springs. Ellie is mysterious. Such a mystery to Aster. How could she be so unique, so different yet so confident about it? She's always been an outsider but despite of it, she has this strong but quiet confidence regardless of what anyone says about her. She doesn't try to fit in. She's on another league of her own. And good god, her mind is brilliant. So when they finally really talked? And she got a glimpse of how Ellie's mind works, saw her personality? It was undeniable. Their connection was so strong. And the attraction followed. Pity it wasn't the right time. Because Aster admits that her high school self couldn't handle all the feelings she realized she had. She had to experience so much more in order for her to accept and be mature about her feelings. 

Speaking of said emotions, she can't recall it being this nerve wracking. She reckons its the anticipation. Is it true what they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Cause it was just misery on Aster's part. The years that they didn't see or even talk to each other. She thinks it became so hard for her because Ellie's the first person to really make her feel something. Technically it was SmithCorona but yeah, it was still Ellie behind it all. But doubly hard in the first years of college because she was in a constant state of confusion about her sexuality. But then when she figured out herself aka had relationships with other girls, she thought she finally had it pat down. Which came as a surprise when no one, guy or girl in college, could compare to Ellie. It was frustrating, to say the least. Because Aster tried, she really tried her damn best to find another person who she can connect with, replicate what they have. But unfortunately, everyone else was second to Ellie. There was still a bit of loneliness stemming from the desire to have that kind of connection.

(Aster will later realize that this is so because she didn't give anyone a genuine chance to step up to Ellie's level. That part is reserved in her heart.)

Her phone ringing was a welcome sound that broke through her thoughts. Glancing slightly at the screen, she sees it's Alex, her bestfriend from college calling her. 

Her voice is loud, coming through her car's bluetooth speaker. "Hey love! Thought I'd call you while I'm trying to poop in the bathroom. This'll be quick, I'm on my way out of our dorm." This immediately puts a small smile on Aster's face. 

"Can't break the habit now, can we?" Aster smoothly replies like she wasn't in the middle of a breakdown seconds ago. Honestly she hasn't been answering Alex' calls lately because she just wants to curl up in a ball and lay in bed all day but she just needed to hear her friend's silliness right now. 

Alexandria Cortez was her roommate in college. And yes, it was a habit for them to have the best conversations while one or both of them was in the bathroom. This mostly involved either puking their guts out after a party or balling their eyes out during a breakup. Most of the time, both.

From freshman up to graduation, the two have been inseparable. They had each others backs from early morning coffee runs to midnight snack emergencies. They knew each others dating history like the back of their hand and would often be mistaken to be sisters around campus. Albeit Alex had red hair and a more tomboyish look, they behaved like they were actual siblings. 

Alex had a colorful childhood. Her mom was adopted so she has no clue what her ethnicity was, just that she has red hair and her step dad had mexican cuban blood hence the Spanish last name. She didn't care to ask about her real dad because to her, her step dad was as real as it gets. She grew up looking like the whitest girl ever but was latina at heart.

So yeah, daddy issues? check. The whole Spanish thing? Check. These were all she needed to click with Aster at first meet. Although once they got to know each other deeper, there were more similarities. Like being into girls, that is. Alex is bisexual, she was actually the one who helped Aster grow and accept her sexual orientation. She served as Aster's role model into the queer world. She guided Aster into being comfortable with her attraction to girls. And yes, she often set her up with cute girls.

Ofcourse Alex knew about Ellie. She couldn't count on her fingers how many times Aster has lamented over the girl especially when they got drunk. Which was often. But Alex supposes it's because artsy people were overly dramatic. No offense, she's taking dance in college after all. (she can tear up the dance floor like it's no big deal, just fyi)

So when Alex heard Aster on the end of that phone call, voice cracking and almost whispering, she quickly asks:

"You saw her didn't you?" She didn't have to mention who, they both know who she's talking about.

"Yeah. Alex... She was with her girlfriend." Aster almost choked that out. "She was tucking her goddamn hair behind her ear. What a cliche." She forces herself to sound bitchy.

"Okay, rein in the jealousy there, love. I know you didn't just diss a hair tucking gesture. You're super romantic like that. What's next, you gonna tell me the girlfriend's hideous?" Alex tries to lighten the mood.

"No, Alex! She's actually gorgeous! You should see her! Damn it. I have no chance now." 

"Hey, hey. You're mucho gwapa, no need to fret. And you guys have history. But, they're girlfriends? That one's the catch. We ain't gonna break up a relationship no matter how much you want her, baby girl." Alex states, flushing the toilet. (Aster tries not to giggle at this)

"I know, A. It's just, I'm super emotional right now, I don't know what to do with myself. Comfort me!" Aster knows she's being dramatic, but this is her bestfriend. Talking to Alex balances her craziness cause she's crazy too. They have deep talks but it almost always ends up with the two of them laughing afterwards. They just make each other feel better. 

"Aster, baby, I've always told you to go after her right? Even when I was setting you up with all my dance friends, I knew it was something almost soulmate-y type of thing with the two of you. I've always said that if it's meant to be, it will be. But honey, she's in a commitment right now. And who knows for how long? It's not okay for you to keep holding on if it looks like she doesn't feel the same way." She tries to say this in the most soothing way possible but she knows how hard it is to hear.

Aster doesn't respond. She hates how true Alex' words are. She may have cheated in high school before, when she was a confused little bi girl (although that still isn't an excuse) but she has done some growing up. She knows it's not okay to have feelings for someone else who is already committed or if she was the one already taken.. She hates cheating in any form because she understands how it destroys relationships and not to mention one's self worth especially what happened with the Trig-Paul-Ellie situation in high school. It's that experience that made her really step back from the dating scene and assess herself first before plunging in any relationships in college.

"Look Aster, I'm sorry for being straight up with you in a time like this. But it's the truth. Now, try not to cry anymore please? I have something planned to get your mind off of stupidly pretty Asian girls."

\----

Turns out Alex' plan was to pay her a visit. Aster can't put into words how thankful she is that she has this friend whose spontaneous enough to pop up into her obscure town just to make her feel better. Best part is, she brought booze and cigarettes with her. Aster is one lucky girl.

She says as much when they see each other on the train station. 

"You're one lucky girl for me to haul my ass out here to wherever the eff this is. I can't even pronounce the name of this place. I literally texted my mom I was going to 'Squish' before going home. The hell Aster?" Alex grumbles while hugging her. She then proceeds to hand Aster her heavy bag. 

"I know, I'm sorry! It's not like I named the place, okay?" Aster says grinning her mega watt smile at seeing her bestfriend. She'd gladly carry her bag or anything of hers if it means a few days together. "What the heck is in this? My god Alex, you're gonna dislocate my arm."

"Stop being a drama queen, it's booze and snacks. For your healing process." Alex walks off the platform and stares at something in the distance. 

Squinting, Alex asks her "Uhm, A... Does your girl happen to be Chinese? Like a bit short and nerdy? Sexy librarian look typa chick.. Very cute?"

Aster hums as she continues to rummage around the booze bag, checking out what her friend managed to smuggle into the train.

"Uhm hmm.. Baby face, she has long straight hair now though. It looks super soft." Aster says distractedly. If she didn't have her head down, she could have seen Alex' deer in the headlights look which was quickly followed by her covering her mouth so as not to let a laugh escape her lips. What is with Aster's luck these days.

Cause at a distance, she could clearly see said Asian girl. Leaning against a wall with her head tilted to the side, studying them.

She starts slapping Aster's arm to get her attention but the girl just keeps on rummaging through her bag, taking inventory of the other snacks she brought. Well, I tried to warn her, Alex shrugs and continues to walk in Ellie's direction. Better get this over with, she thinks. She also wants to finally meet the Ellie, love of Aster's life, Chu. 

(Nah, even better she wants to see how Aster will freak out when they finally meet again. Shoulda brought popcorn with me, she chuckles at her own joke.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger, sorry. 
> 
> I'll post the next very soon. Just finishing it up. I'm still not over Aster's confession and how I want to include that more. 
> 
> I've always been tripped about the cheating part but that scene depicts how guilty she was over it. 
> 
> Ps, picture Alex as Haley Fitzgerald. If you don't know her you should check out her killer dance moves and funny vids in youtube. She's something else.


	7. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been looking at your face, it's dangerous  
> Making me so goddamn crazy  
> And I've been dreaming of the taste, it's chemical  
> Making me so goddamn crazy
> 
> -Superlove, Whethan

Aster's head popped up so aggressively when she heard Alex say "You must be Ellie" that Alex had to check if she was alright. The look on her face, Alex would have laughed right then and there if she didn't sympathize with her bestfriend's plight. Aster's head swiveled from Alex to Ellie in a half second and with her eyes so wide, Alex knew she had to take over this conversation. 

"Uhm, yeah. That's... that's... me?" Ellie's not used to stammering in front of beautiful girls anymore. She's a social butterfly now, she had lots of practice in college. But in this particular situation, even if it was Aster's friend addressing her, all she could do was stare at her dream girl.

"I'm Alexandria Cortez, this one's best friend. Just a best friend, not girlfriend. You can call me Alex." She said while pointing to a still stunned Aster and emphasizing the NOT girlfriend part. Alex is smirking now.

"Oh hi, I'm Ellie Chu. Well, I guess you know..?" Ellie is still finding it hard to string sentences. Add to that, she's bewildered why a stranger knows her name. Has Aster told her bestfriend about Ellie?

Alarm bells are ringing inside Ellie's head. It's like high school all over again. Senior year--when she dropped her books and her crush picked it up. Why did she have to stay rooted in her spot when she realized it was Aster and her friend? Why couldn't she have slithered away? It's like she was anchored on the spot when she saw Aster. It's always the same thing, Aster seems to make her stop and stare. Damn it, Ellie berates herself.

"Yes, I know. Aster's my bestfriend from college. I'm visiting her for a couple of days. Would you like to hang out with us some time, Ellie Chu?" Alex says innocently. 

Too innocent, Aster thinks. Her best friend's question to Ellie wakes her up from her Ellie induced trance. 

"H- hey, Ellie." Aster almost whispers. 

"Don't mind Alex. You don't have to if you're busy.. with your girlfriend." Aster swallows. 

"I uhm.. met her. Charlie. The other day." Aster looks away from Ellie saying this.

"Hi, Aster. It's really... good to see you. I uhm... you look..." Ellie gives up. There's no good continuing that sentence. Besides, it's not like she can properly formulate words right now.

She just gives her a small smile, trying to catch Aster's eyes. 

Instead she says, "Yeah, Charlie mentioned you dropped her off." Ellie's resigned herself as a useless gay at this point. She just stares at Aster for a few more seconds.

Aster can't seem to respond as well. She wants to say something, anything. But she's afraid she might say something along the lines of 'why didn't you wait for me?' or even 'why am I not your girlfriend?' How embarassing. 

Alex takes it upon herself to interrupt the awkwardness / tension with: 

"Well, good talk guys. Nice meeting you, Ellie. I'm sure this one will be taking me around town so I'll see you again, okay?" She hurriedly says, backing away slowly and grabbing Aster's arm, tugging her towards what she assumes is her yellow car.

These two are so freakin weird, oh this is going to be a disaster, Alex sighs while ushering Aster in the car. 

Ellie could only nod at what Alex was saying. Her eyes are still plastered to Aster's form walking slowly away from her. 

As for Aster, she just kept looking shocked but she also can't take her eyes away from Ellie even as she's being dragged away. Thank god for Alex, she would have looked like an idiot just standing there.

Smooth, Aster. Very smooth.

'Finally.' They both think and heave a sigh of relief. They finally saw each other again.

\----

Once Aster has successfully driven off, Ellie shakes her head. It seems her brain has fully malfunctioned at the sight of her high school crush. She can't believe her eyes. It's actually Aster freakin Flores, in the actual flesh. Not just from memory or her imagination. It was so surreal seeing her again. Her style definitely changed. She traded her sundresses and somewhat conservative blouses for a more edgy look. She was wearing black skinny jeans, a red wife beater with black leather jacket on top and ankle boots. For someone picking up a friend at the station, she looked ready for a runway. Hot -- so so hot. She can't even begin to think about how she has this glow on her face; it looks like she's so much happier now. Like a weight has been lifted off her since high school. Happiness looks good on her. 

Beautiful. 

Ellie shakes her head again.

She won't deny that she has been hoping to bump into her but to have her right in front of Ellie again, and randomnly she might add, was definitely surprising. 

She thought it was just going to be another ordinary shift at the train station but she concludes that nothing is ever going to be just ordinary with Aster Flores. 

And why did her best friend keep on saying NOT her girlfriend? Does it mean she has or had one? That got Ellie scratching her head.

\---

Back at Aster's yellow car, the two best friends are quiet. Alex is letting Aster have her moment. She did talk to the cute asian girl again after so long. That's bound to stir up something.

Alex counts up to 5 whole minutes and then she says to her best friend "So you didn't tell me she's still in love with you?" 

Aster's response is to hit the breaks. It's a good thing they're on a deserted road, Alex side notes. Cause Aster is catatonic. 

"Okay baby girl, here's what we're gonna do. We go straight to wherever you go to have peace and quiet. Not to the hot springs, cause just, no. But somewhere else. We open up one of those lovely bottles I have with me and yes, I brought your favorite cigs." She commands Aster. 

Aster for her part, nods at the suggestion and just drives. She needs a good distraction, some liquor in her and a good talk with her bestfriend.

Seeing Ellie again so soon, hearing her deep voice with those little inflections when she speaks. That smile. And when did she stop wearing her glasses? She had them on at the park. She doesn't know if she misses them or would like to stare into her eyes again for an hour or two, without any barriers. 

It's like she couldn't breathe. Being near her again brings up so many emotions she thought she has left behind. But surprisingly, there's a certain novelty she saw in Ellie. A certain something new in Ellie that makes her even more appealing. Is it the way she carries herself? She seems to stand differently. There isn't her usual hunched shoulders. She also smiles more. In the park, and when she talked to Aster. It's kinda near a smirk too. More confident-- self assured nonchalance. That's it. Good god, it's so attractive. And she thought her quiet confidence was something in high school? Aster could not have prepared herself for post college Ellie.

This time, Aster rolls her eyes at herself. This is getting ridiculous. 

"You looked like you were about to have steam coming out your ears with the way you were blushing back there. You gotta give me props for not laughing at your face, babe. That was incredible. You two were eye fucking each other so much, I had major third wheel vibes." Alex chuckles. 

"I don't think you would've noticed if the train ran me over with all that sexual tension brewing! I thought you said she had a girlfriend? What the hell was that? And not once did she look at my face! That was weird. I'm hotter than you. Just look at me." She jokes and keeps poking Aster's arm when she doesn't laugh. Aster is still staring down the road. She has a blank look on her face.

Alex starts flicking her ear. 

"Ow, Alex! What are you, five?! I'm driving here!" That does the trick. Aster looks at her with a pained, hopeless expression. Alex crosses her arm. Puts up her feet on the dashboard and looks back at her. Waiting. 

When Aster remains quiet, Alex shrugs, gets her bag and opens one of her snacks. She also hands Aster her favorite cigarette when she has lit it up. Waste of time pushing someone who doesn't want to talk yet. She knows Aster, she'll talk when she has processed. In the meantime, she needs to eat and nap before another Ellie talk.

\---

There's nothing more that Charlie loves than napping. This, Ellie has learned the hard way. She gets cranky when she's hungry and when she needs a nap. It's during one of Charlie's naps that Ellie finds herself on the familiar ping pong table with Paul. This time, alcohol is involved and Paul isn't skirting around certain topics. 

"You know I saw Aster the other day?" He asks. She misses the ball. It bounces off the table. She takes her time getting the ball from the floor. She kinda wants to stay down there to avoid this conversation.

"I'm just saying, Ellie. We don't have to talk about her if you don't want to. It's totally cool. I'm just curious, cause last you said was the kiss. Then nothing more about her." He levels her with a look.

Ellie's still not speaking. Just turning her paddle from one hand to the other. Left, right. Left, right. 

"She asked about you too." This makes her stop and look up. She wants to know what Aster has said about her. What they talked about. But Paul kept quiet. 

"I saw her at the station with her friend. I wanted to tell you, Paul. It's just that, I don't even know what to say or think. I was glad I got to see her again. To speak with her. But.. I don't know, Paul." 

"You actually think I'll fall for that? Cmon, Ellie. This is me. I'm your best guy friend. BGF? Lesbro?" 

"Okay, no. Just no." She interrupts him.

"...so I know you must've felt something when you saw her." He continues like she didn't say anything. "I saw her up close at the store. She's still Aster, I might not be crushing on her now but she's still so beautiful. Even more so, I think." He ponders. 

"I know right?! What the heck is up with that? It's like she's glowing. She's more intense but casual too. She seems like a huge weight was taken off her shoulders or something. She's still so attractive. Oh my god Paul, do you think I still like her? I thought I was in love with her back then. Am I still?." She gives up the little control she has on her emotions and gives him a frantic look.

Seeing her again. It's like the wind got knocked out of Ellie. At first she didn't know it was Aster. She didn't have her glasses on and she hates her contacts. But she can spot that face in any crowd even when she was looking down. It felt like the first time they talked in the hallway, all she could do was look into her eyes. Her face is so expressive. It's one of the things Ellie loves to do in class, in the hallways, everywhere there is an Aster Flores around, you bet Ellie is looking. Not the creepy kind though. It's just that deciphering Aster's mood has been a hobby of hers. It's literally written on her face. And having those eyes staring right back at hers? It's a totally disarming experience. Judging by the breath Ellie let out after Aster left, her high school crush on the girl is still well and truly intact. Aster Flores still has the same effect on her. 

"I talked to Charlie about this. She said it's okay that I still have a crush on her, but we're both aware that it's hurting her. I don't want to hurt her Paul, I love Charlie. But I can't get Aster out of my mind!" Ellie's so frustrated with herself, she wants to use her paddle to knock some sense to her head. She tries to sit down because this conversation is starting to give her a headache.

"Hey, hey. Relax Ellie, we can figure this out." Paul sits beside her. "Your feelings are valid, it's okay. These kinda things happen. I mean, I dunno about how fair this is to Charlie but since you're honest with her about everything, maybe that's all you can do now. Are you really trying to forget about Aster though?" Paul asks her softly.

"Yes! Yes, ofcourse. But I can't help it if some memories come back to me. I still have a soft spot for her, she's the first person to make me feel something. Did you know I started having a crush on her way back in middle school? I was obsessed with her. I genuinely think I really loved her, Paul. She's always going to be special to me. Coming back here, all the memories are bringing up some confusing feelings. I'm not sure if I'm just still curious about the idea of us or if I'm itching to settle this unfinished business that I have with her. Or whatever the hell this is. All I know is that I want to figure this out because it's not okay to feel like this when I'm in a relationship. Charlie's such a sweetheart, I don't want to hurt her further." Ellie lays it all out Paul. If anyone would understand these confusing situations, it would be her bestfriend. 

"Okay so then we figure it out? If seeing her leads you to have confusing feelings, then maybe being around her can settle it all? Maybe you'll be sure once you get to really talk to her. You said you didn't want to hurt Charlie, so maybe it's time to have some closure with Aster. Looks like you've already decided to be with Charlie in the first place. The mature thing to do is to talk to her and figure things out." 

Ellie cocks her head to the side, wow Paul really has come a long way from high school. 

"I'm terrified of what she might say, Paul. You know she didn't outright say that she reciprocated my feelings back then? Just that the idea crossed her mind? She just implied it. And ofcourse she kissed back but I don't want to assume the extent of her feelings. What if she just had a small crush? Or what if I was just someone she was curious about? Figuring out one's sexual identity is really complicated." 

"And who's to say that it didn't fade away once she met more interesting people in college? That's art school. That's hot people central." She's just running through all her insecurities now. 

Paul for his part is just listening. Nodding his head. But when Ellie is starting to say that she is less than other people? He has to say something.

"I think what you're really afraid of is the possibility that she still has feelings for you. Then you have to face the reality that your dream girl loves you back." He says to Ellie softly. And this, it shuts Ellie up.

\--- 

Aster finds herself sitting atop one of the giant boulders of rocks beside Alex, passing along a bottle of vodka. They're at some woodsy part beside a clearing near Aster's house. Trust Aster to find these kinds of secret places. They have chocolate. Its a weird combination but its what she needs right now. 

"Are you okay now, baby girl? Want some more snacks?" Alex tries to ply her with more sweets so she would open up.

"Yeah, I'm feeling better. Thanks again for being here, A. It's just, seeing her up close... I think I never really considered that time has passed by and that we're both not the same people we were when we last saw each other. It feels like I'm coming home when I saw her but at the same time, she seems like a totally different person. I couldn't even talk when she looked at me." 

"Did you know I rambled on and on the time we first talked? Senior year, she dropped her books and I picked it up. When I saw her up close, I was so weird. I just talked and talked. She didn't say one word! I guess I got nervous and fumbled. I was surprised, you know? I didn't expect to see how beautiful she was that close." Alex raised a single eyebrow at this. 

"Hey don't look at me like that! I was still figuring things out. How should I know my admiration of her mind and cute face was something more?" Aster laughed. 

"So your 'admiration' was the reason you took off her shirt during your date at the hot springs?" Alex teased her. She always goes back to this whenever she can. She laughed so hard when Aster told her the first time. She wanted to hug baby gay Aster but also slap some sense into her. That day at the hot spring should have ended with a kiss but instead she laid one on her girl's bestfriend. What a shame. 

"I was just making her comfy, okay! She had a lot of layers. And honestly? I wanted to get close to her. She's actually very funny if you get to know her. I wanted to make her laugh, smile more. And it wasn't a date." 

"Oh girl, you really did have big time feelings for her. I never did ask when you realized it. Cause when we first talked about her, you were crying and said you missed her. I thought the feelings were already out when you stepped into college." Alex explained.

"It was after Steph. Remember my classmate who pursued me first semester? She was relentless. I was curious if I would have the same feelings cause she's a girl too. But no, it's not the same. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that no one will ever be at Ellie's level for me." Aster said, then swallowed some more vodka. 

"I know, A. I saw it too. Saw how many times you tried to forget her or replace her with another guy or girl. Did you know I almost looked her up on social media to message her myself? You were so miserable especially when you were with someone you realized wasn't at par with her. It's really frustrating to see. That last guy, Chris? He was kinda really giving his all for you." Alex tries to convey her exasperation.

"And look, I said this before countless times. If you can't find another one like her or get over her, then please for the love of god, just go after her. It's not about getting together, just for closure you know? And I know she has a girlfriend, so just, talk like normal human beings. Be friends. Whatever." Alex can't count how many times she has said this. But judging by the way she saw the pair's interaction, she thinks she knows why Aster can't muster up the courage. She's way into her head sometimes. And Alex believes that she has made contacting Ellie such a big deal that it scares her so much how Ellie will respond. 

"Are you scared that she doesn't like you back anymore?" Alex ventures out the question. "Cause babe, I saw the way she looked at you at the station. And I bet my firm ass, she would've liked to bone you right then and there." Alex finishes with a broad smile and trying for a huge gulp of alcohol.

"Oh my god, A. Shut up, she did not!" Aster slaps her arm still holding up the drink, making her miss her mouth and pour some vodka up her nose instead. She splutters and in turn slaps Aster's thigh. 

"How would you know? You were already eye fucking her so much you couldn't notice that she agreed to hang out with us!" Alex laughs. She might as well push Aster to finish whatever the hell it is she has to do for her to be happy with her love life. It hurts her to see her best friend sad and she promised herself that she will help, hence why she's here. 

"She said yes? Holy shit." Aster whispers to herself.

"Okay, you didn't deny the eye fucking part Aster! You go girl!" Alex may be a bit tipsy already and is trying to imbibe a confident independent black woman attitude. 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You saw her right? I thought she was cute before, but now..." Aster just stared out at the distance. Her eyes glazed. 

Alex cracks up at this. "You're totally picturing her and wanting to bone her right now, like for real, Aster! You're like a teenage boy!" 

This cracks Aster up as well. "Stop saying bone! I'm not a dude, Alex!" 

"You didn't deny it!! Oh, this is gold. I love Squish! You're like a frat boy here." With this, she toasts Aster's raging hormones. They drink some more, annoy each other until Aster's smiling again. She might not know what will happen to her and Ellie, but she's glad her best friend is here. 

And she'd like to believe that she can still capture Ellie's eye after all these years.


	8. It's not now or never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my love, can't you see yourself by my side  
> No surprise when you're on his shoulder like every night  
> Oh my love, can't you see that you're on my mind
> 
> -The Less I Know The Better, Tame Impala
> 
>   
> Jogging, work plans and bonfires. 
> 
> Ellie's turn being jealous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from a song Alexxis Lemire was goofy singing with Daniel

Aster is a morning person. Living with a Deacon ingrains rules in you. Besides the rigorous time table they had with daily prayers, mandatory mass every sunday and weekly bible study meetings, Aster had to actually navigate the world under her dad's hawk eyed scrutiny at all times. It was stifling, to say the least. 

But it has its upsides. So used to waking up at the crack of dawn, she took advantage of this small window of time to paint, write; whatever artistic outlet she could get her hands on. It allowed her reprieve. There was that time when she stopped, when she couldn't express herself creatively because her emotions were so overwhelming. She couldn't paint. She was muted. Until Ellie that is. Or SmithCorona, to be precise. 

And with college came deadlines and sleepless nights. This discpline she despised when growing up helped her. Alex would say that time management was Aster's 'bitch'. And yes, she learned many curse words from her lovely roommate and best friend. Learned is not accurate though, because Aster knew curse words, she just didn't say them growing up. She did however let out a few choice words in her head sometimes. Which coincidentally would often be when she was around Trig and his oh so intellectually stimulating gaggle of friends. There was just no stopping some of her condescending thoughts about the lot. It was a sin, speaking ill of your peers but she could only internalize so many eye rolls, it was bound to spill out. 

She could however say that Alex made her more comfortable to actually speak her mind. She allowed Aster to be herself without fear of judgement. That is to say, Alex is batshit crazy. So no amount of weird or crazy from Aster can top her best friend's kookiness. It's just a fact, Alex is so out of this world that Aster sometimes is in awe of her. She's a genius, don't get her wrong but she's adorably unstable. She makes Aster laugh. Oh she makes the ever so brooding and introvert Aster crack up. 

Not this morning though. Aster is a morning person but she has exceptions. One of which is this moment wherein she feels the misery brought on by the current love triangle that she's in. Never mind that the other two people in the triangle has no idea of her feelings.

Aster is in a mood and Alex is not helping. What with her stretching, playing her hip hop music and getting ready to jog. You see, Alex is a dancer. A great one actually. She has this musicality that trips everyone who gets to witness it. She may drink a bottle of beer every few hours and take shots of tequila like it's water, but she does take care of her body. Which includes the random workouts that she forces upon Aster. She's grateful for it, given that it inevitably chiseled her abdominal area despite the drinking binge that her body wasn't used to. But she's also not a fan when her heart is a mess. 

She says so to a squatting Alex. "I'm not in the mood, A. I swear, I'll follow you with my car but I won't sweat when I just want to curl up into a ball and cry."

Alex accepts this. Anything that Aster can give her, she's okay with. She just wants to get out of the Flores household. Aster's family is nice and all, but the countless altars and life sized saints around the house freaks Alex out. Last night when she went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, she fucking swears one of the saint's heads swiveled and was staring at her. Or she might have been just dreaming about it.

Point is, she wants to go out and enjoy Squish's greenery. From what Aster has told her and what she's seen so far, it's such a lovely place. Like a picture. And Alex might have an ulterior motive going to Aster's hometown than fixing her love life. She wants to drag Aster to as many outdoor activities she can before she leaves. Besides, nature can make anyone feel better, right?

"Alright, fine. God. I need a cup of coffee after, okay? A strong one. And don't go sweating on my seats." 

"Wow, babygirl. You really need to dislodge that stick up your ass. It's a beautiful morning. Do you... want me to call Ellie? She can help you relax.. and stuff." Alex taunts her. Throughout the years, she has learned the best way to ride Aster's drama queen antics was to just tease her until she cracks. It gets her mind off the negative spiral she's in. 

With Ellie's name as a threat, the pair went for Alex' jog and Aster's drive. She did get Aster to wear shorts and a cute top (you know, just in case they bump into Ellie) and Aster did get her coffee but not until they came across Squahamish' resident human puppy during his own run.

Everybody is working out these days. Aster wonders if Ellie...

"So you're Paul? Ellie's lesbro?" Alex quirks an eyebrow. Aster rolls her eyes. Paul looks quizzical.

"How'd you.. know that?" Alex and Aster both shrug. Paul scratches his head but in true Paul fashion, just gives the ladies a mega watt smile. Like Ellie, Paul seemed to have matured since high school. He can now talk to girls without embarassing himself and even throws out invites. 

"Well, it was nice meeting you Alex. But uh I gotta go. Definitely need a shower. Would love to hang out with you guys soon! Drop by my truck at the park anytime, okay? Free taco sausages on me!" 

"That's what I'm talking 'bout. I'll see them free food, for sure. And hey, do you know nice spots for camping here?" Alex adds. Cause, why not? 

"Yeah, tons. My family and I go camping a lot. And the weather's nice this time of the year. I could take you guys. Ellie and Charlie could come too!" With that, he says his goodbyes and scurries off. 

Aster turns to Alex with a murderous look. It's hard to imagine with a face like an angel's but she manages to scare Alex a bit. Her left eye is twitching and her luscious lips forming a thin line.

"Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, tiger. It was just a suggestion, jeez. I won't put you three in a tent. Chill out, I haven't even met your nemesis yet. How hot are we talking about?" Charlie asks as she closes the passenger door of Aster's car. 

"Dianna. Agron." She says those two words with such dejection Alex could only picture how pretty the girl could be. Well, I'll be the judge of that, Alex decides.

Their afternoon is spent preparing for their respective upcoming work life. Alex is mixing music for a piece she'll choreograph that will showcase her skills for an audition while Aster is arranging her things for her to take to their new apartment. She's going to work in a gallery. Although she got the entry level position, she's just glad that she has her foot at the door. It's a great opportunity.

They're both moving to L.A. so it made sense that they get an apartment as roommates. Let's face it, they're starving artists who are broke. They're scared but thrilled to embark on a new journey. They're just glad they have each other. It helps that they've lived together for 4 years already and know exactly each other's tics and pet peeves as well as the important things in each other's lives.

Speaking of which, "Can I bring Belle?" Alex interrupts Aster's thoughts with a hopeful look. 

Belle is her beloved cat. She didn't get to bring her from Wisconsin because their school's dorms don't allow pets but they could smuggle her in their new apartment. 

Aster remains silent. She already knows that she would agree. She's seen pictures of Belle and she was meaning to ask Alex if she wants to bring her but Aster knows better. She can use the Belle situation as leverage. Yes, it has come to this. Their friendship has always been based on teasing each other relentlessly but also anmoying each other just for the hell of it. 

"Hmm... I'll think about it. Maybe if you're nice and won't constantly be a pain in my ass while we're here, we can reach an understanding before we leave." Aster taps her chin with her pointer finger.

"And maaaaybe, if you don't constantly be a chicken around Ellie, you won't be a useless bisexual with raging hormones, how 'bout that?" Alex grins with her dimples.

"Or how about I ask my dad if you could lead the prayer before meal tonight? Would you like that Alex? Maybe the evening rosary?" Aster smiles back. Alex mysteriously has a phone call she needs to answer.

\--- 

Ever since a certain phone call that morning, Ellie has noticed that Charlie has been a little too quiet. She still jokes around and flirts with her, but there are certain moments that she just looks like she's contemplating something. Something that seems very very important. Because she knows Charlie, she's careful with her decisions and plots all scenarios in her head before stating something of consequence.

Which makes Ellie nervous but not surprised, when after dinner Charlie asks if they could take a walk. She knows something is up. She just doesn't know if it's good or bad. 

"I got a call this morning, Ellie. From Boeing. They accepted my application, babe." 

"Seattle? But..." Ellie wants to say congratulations, she wants to be happy for Charlie. But their plan was Charlie's going to work in San Francisco and Ellie's just going to be in L.A. That way they're both in California.

And now, it's really a one of a kind opportunity for Charlie. She understands that. But, Seattle is so much farther than San Francisco. Ellie's already adding to her mental checklist to google the routes and travel time. 

"It's okay, we'll make it work. I know we can. I'll take flights on Saturdays and we can road trip it sometime. It's just going to be a few more distance." It seems Charlie's reassuring herself too.

"Okay, okay. Ofcourse, we can do this. It's just time management." Ellie grabs her hand, interlacing their fingers. "I'll visit you. I love coffee and rain so why not, right?" 

"You hate starbucks, babe. All those overpriced commercialism shit you loathe." 

"We can find other cafes." Ellie tries to give her a small smile. But she's looking down, she hates this feeling. She knows Charlie's not going to leave her but ever since her mom's death, she has had issues with attachments. That's why it was so hard for her to leave her Ba for college. That's why it was hard for her to come back. Losing a parent during her formative years left her with some abandonment issues.

"This means I have to rearrange everything. Good thing I haven't settled anything in SanFo. I'll need to sort everything out in Seattle asap." Charlie says frantically.

"Hey, hey. Good thing your folks live there right? You can just stay with them while you settle down." 

"Yeah, but I wan't a place of my own, at least away from my parents. I know some of my childhood friends are settling in new apartments. I'll have to ask around if they're looking for more roommates." 

Ellie kisses her forehead. They'll figure it out.

\--- 

Aster really doesn't want to go to a bonfire party knowing that she'll see her old 'friends' from high school. Trig used to drag her to so many that she just mostly ignored everybody in favor of sitting near the fire and staring at it crackle. She observed how Trig's friends congregated around him. Fawning over him like he was the most interesting person while he downed can after can of cheap beer. She knew better. And she most definitely hoped that by this time, the rest of them would.

She hoped that life after high school did some good to the shallow people that she used to keep at a distance, mostly because she felt so different from them that the only thing in common they have is Trig. She hopes that by now, many would have forged their own paths and discovered how big the world really is. Opened up their minds about the really important things in life, see how there is so much more than their little town. 

Or perhaps not. She stares at the same scenario playing before her. Trig is nowhere near but it looks like this exact same thing was just lifted from her past. Groups of people trying to have a good time or in her case, trying to forget her problems while she sits at a distance. 

Alex somehow got themselves an invite to what seems a reunion of sorts of their high school. 'She isn't even from this school', Aster muses as she looks out to her best friend, chugging what can only be tomorrow's hangover. She may possibly be Trig's version of a female dancer, with her good looks and charm. Fortunately, Alex isn't conceited nor shallow enough. 

And as for Trig, he's moved from talking to a few friends to walking towards Aster. She wants to scurry away, she doesn't know what he'll say to her. Has he forgiven her? Is he still mad? Is he going to make a move? God, she hopes not. She's so over him, maybe even before they started.

Trig is the embodiment of her naivety. She's so guilty over the whole using him as a cover up to her family and their school that breaking up and refusing his proposal was the only good thing she could have offered him as consolation. 'Was he my beard? Even if I'm bi? I have to research that', she quickly notes. 

But man, Aster was a dick. Well, who wasn't in high school? Looking back, there's a part of her that still stands by her actions but indeed, she acknowledges that she was such a child grasping onto so many things that she thought she wanted, not caring if they broke or if it wasn't hers in the first place. 

Discovering her sexuality was a journey, is still. But it didn't have to be an excuse to use someone in the process. Given that Trig was collateral damage, Aster just wishes that she wasn't as selfish with her actions. She'll forever carry the guilt of cheating on someone. It was inevitable that she would leave him, be that as his girlfriend or wife, but she just didn't expect the cheating part to really get to her. 

Maybe it was the letters, maybe it was the thrill. It could have been the confusion, loneliness or even the forbidden fruit aspect to it, but someday Aster hopes that she can remedy the stain it left her character. She always thought she'd never cheat. And, being a teenager isn't an excuse. Being foolish or naive, it was a reason but she chose it nonetheless. She'll live with the consequences too.

That's why when Trig sits beside her, she lets him speak. She lets him open up. Maybe even for the first time, they really talk. 

He tells her about his life after their break up. He lets Aster know that he came to a few realizations about himself when he faced what she supposes was the first time he was ever rejected in his life. He even tells her excitedly about his new girl and how he's really happy but won't be proposing just yet, cause to Aster's surprise, they're both in college. 

With a warm hand on her shoulder, he tells her that he has let go of their past and understands that they were never really meant for each other. Maybe they were, but just for that time. That sliver of time that they needed each other in their lives. He was grateful for her, their time together but she wasn't his forever girl and he's fine with it. 

He said goodbye to Aster like so many times before. A kiss on her cheek but this time, Aster didn't feel numb or guilt creep up to her, she just felt light. Not many people can have closure with their exes. She's glad she just had it with her ex fiance. 

\------

Unfortunately, that closure was also the moment Ellie and Charlie stepped out of Paul's truck. And that cheek kiss? It still stings Ellie. Like someone mixing acid in her guts, not unlike the time she saw Aster kiss Paul right after their time (date?) at the hot springs. It. still. burns, Ellie tucks away this tidbit of information deep inside her mind while she tries hard to not look at Aster's way again. She tries even harder to ignore the old feelings rushing back to her-- she's transported back to those moments in crowded hallways, choir and class. When she sees Trig kiss Aster' cheek. Hold her hand. Put his arms around her. It's simply agonizing. Wanting someone you cannot have, the longing and pining.

She should have been used to it. She's had a crush on Aster since she'd noticed the beautiful girl in middle school. She has seen how Trig basically paraded her as his so many years in high school, so used to the pain of seeing the girl she likes with somebody else.  
But unfortunately, it's different this time. It's different because she has more memories with Aster. She knows what sort of things goes on in her mind when she stares off at a distance, something profound, Ellie's sure. She knows how alone and lonely Aster felt because she said so herself at the hot springs. She knows these little things that made her fall in love. That if it were just pre- SmithCorona letters, seeing Trig kiss Aster would be bearable. But now? Now it's painful.

It's different because Ellie knows how it feels to kiss Aster. She has that damned memory of their kiss engraved in her mind. It's her favorite memory of high school, maybe even ever. She knows how silky Aster's hair feels like when she put her hands on it that day. How soft her lips are, when she crashed her lips to those pink ones. That distinct scent that is so unique to Aster, you can only know when you get close enough. Ellie has had that memory on repeat so many times. It's maddening. 

It's also quite frustrating because Ellie wants something more to add to that memory. She wants to see Aster's expressive eyes. What she would give to have seen Aster's reaction. It's such a shame that for someone who loves to study Aster's facial expressions before, Ellie didn't get the chance to do so after one of the most important events in her life. Her first real kiss. Their first. And last? Ellie shakes her head. She shouldn't be thinking about such things. 

Ellie accepts the bottle of beer Charlie hands her. Paul and Charlie managed to drag her to this bonfire thing after the bummer of Charlie's Boeing news yesterday. With their limited time together before she leaves for Seattle, Charlie wanted to get out of the house and 'let loose'. Paul was all too happy to point them in the right direction. Ellie knew what the chances are that she would see Aster. She decided that it's okay to let things unfold. Maybe she's just so goddamned tired of thinking about it, she's resigned to fate taking over. Whatever that entails.

She just wasn't ready to see Trig all over Aster again. It dug up so many things inside her. It's like she's back in high school pining over her crush. She feels hopeless. Helpless to Aster's effect on her after so many years. And why the hell is she wearing another one of her jean jackets with a cute dress? It's just so Aster of her that Ellie wants to strip it off her. Wait, she means--

She's shaken out of her reverie by an arm wrapping over her shoulder. It's Alex, Aster's bestfriend and not girlfriend, she remembers.

"Hallo stranger! Fancy seeing you here!" She half shouts, half giggles into Ellie's general proximity. Charlie for her part, expects this new girl to flirt with Ellie, as usual, but to her surprise said girl turns to her instead and says,

"Aaand you're the girlfriend. Charlie, right?" Extending her hand, seeming to sober up. 

Charlie accepts her proffered hand, the girl seems friendly albeit she's scanning Charlie from head to foot. She doesn't know if she should be offended or flattered by the attention.

"I'm Alex Cortez. Aster's best friend. You know, she said you looked like Dianna Agron, but I must disagree. You're totally on another league." She said while squinting and narrowing her eyes at the same time. She doesn't seem to be flirting or speaking out of her ass. She looks almost critical. 

Charlie is charmed. This girl is cute as hell, Charlie decides. She's wearing a simple baseball tee, jeans and worn out chucks. She hates seeing people with their caps backwards but with this one, she really pulls it off. The combination of her hoop earrings, nose ring and tomboy clothes just works.

"Thanks. Careful there, wouldn't want the girlfriend to get jealous." Charlie throws her thumb over to Ellie who seems to be looking off to somewhere. 

"I'm not doing anything." Alex puts her hands up. "Not my fault Aster didn't say how blindingly stunning you were. So how'd you meet Ellie? And do you know where to get something better than this shit?" Alex points to her lukewarm beer. 

\----

Aster almost froze up when she saw who just came out of Paul's truck from where she and Trig were talking. Her favorite couple. She rolls her eyes. 'Nice one, Aster. You're not jealous, at all.' 

She saw how Ellie was helping Charlie down from the truck, holding her hand like she's a princess. Aster almost let out a sigh. If only she could have Ellie doing these little thoughtful things for her. Wouldn't that be just so nice? The equivalent of a modern day gentleman in an attractive woman's body, wrapped up in that fit black vneck shirt and is that her cuffed jeans? How she missed seeing Ellie in those. And when did v neck shirts become Aster's favorite top on a girl anyway? It's just, it fit Ellie so well. It's simple but like the girl wearing it, she doesn't need flashy. Her character and personality already make up for it. This time, she really did let out a sigh.

But unfortunately, one of the guys from the football team came up next to her in that moment and began talking when she was about to bolt, realizing how creepy she was being staring at the couple again. Crap, she really did not want small talk right now. As she was about to interrupt the dude trying to compliment her, she saw Alex walk up to Ellie and put her arm on her shoulders. 

She knows Alex would be up to no good, she just knows it in her gut. She has that glint in her blue eyes. The football guy is now trying to hand Aster his phone to get her number and she's so close to just ducking her head and doing some kind of rollover to avoid his outstretched arm when she sees Paul in the periphery of her vision. She grabs a hold of his arm and yanks him towards the guy still trying to get her digits. She says bye to them while speed walking towards the unlikely trio who seem to all be laughing now.

Taking a deep breath, Aster sidles next to Alex who thankfully has let go of Ellie. 

"There you are! I was just telling these two that I jog every morning. We should join forces or something. Make it more enjoyable. And that camping thing? I am so game." Aster can see the wheels turning in Alex' head and combined with how much she drank, she's not entirely sure what else would come out of her mouth.

"Uh yeah, sure. Come on, let's get you some water. Hydration is important!" Aster says as she pulls on Alex.

"Hey, Liv. Nice to see you again." Charlie interrupts the pairs tugging. She smiles at Aster and immediately, Aster is at ease. 

"Hi, Charlie. Ellie.. I uh..sorry for this one. We've been here for two hours and she's almost caused a riot. She challenged one of those snooty girls to a dance off and another guy to a chugging contest." Aster keeps on talking.

"Well, she needs to cool down. Right? Want me to get you guys water or something? I could use another drink." Charlie volunteers. Very much aware that this can become awkward very fast with how Ellie hasn't said a word yet since Alex approached them. 

"I'll come with! You need a bodyguard from all these smarmy men around!" Alex quickly offers her services. Aster concludes that her bestfriend is almost close to being shitfaced by the looks of it. When she's that giddy, the waterworks are about to hit any minute now.

"M'lady.." Alex extends her arm like a true gentleman. Getting giggle out of Charlie while she grabs her arm, only to support Alex ijstead from becoming a stumbling mess. It's useless, Alex still trips over her own two feet. Charlie picks her up and half carries her to the makeshift drink area leaving Ellie and Aster to themselves.

Ellie clears her throat. Aster slowly turns and waits for Ellie to talk. They stare at each other for a few beats until they both say, 

"So, Alex..." and "So, Charlie.." respectively. They're still so in sync. 

"Go ahead. You were saying?" Aster finds her voice. 

"I just wanted to say that Alex is quite.. funny?" Ellie almost asks. She tries again, "I mean, she's really.. something." Aster chuckles at this. She understands.

"That's what I said when I first met her. She's a lot to handle but she's become my best friend. She put up with me for 4 years in college." Aster smiles when she spots her friend try to chug a water bottle like it's beer. Charlie cheering her on.

When Ellie doesn't respond, Aster looks back at her. She sees Ellie tracing the side of her face with her eyes. 

"You don't wear your glasses anymore?" Aster asks her timidly. Not sure if the topic is okay. She wants the luxury of being able to study Ellie's face up close. To just look, however long she likes. As is, she can only look at her for a few seconds before averting her eyes. It's a far cry from her usual penetrating gaze that she inflicts upon whoever she wants to entrance. Aster feels like it's been a long time since she's been shy around someone. It makes sense that Ellie would bring it out of her.

"I still have them, but mostly I wear contacts when I go out." Ellie is still staring at her and it's making her self conscious. Aster tucks her hair behind her ear in response. Notices again how fit Ellie's body is in that black shirt. She can see her collarbones. Aster loves well defined protruding collarbones, one more thing she discovered about Ellie. She'll add it to her list. A beat passes by, she gets the urge to just trace them with her fingers.

Aster is about to fidget. She felt her hand twitching. Why is everything so awkward? As if the things left unsaid have become an invisible wall between them, making it hard to ease into the banter they used to have. 

"Look, Ellie.. I uhm.." Aster begins. When Ellie says, "I'm sorry." 

"I know I apologized about what Paul and I did before but I still want to reiterate how sorry I am for our actions, Aster. It was stupid. We were stupid teenagers. We meant well, but intentions don't matter when damage has already been done." Ellie looks her straight through the eyes now.

"I'm sorry we tricked you into believing something that was false. You didn't deserve the pain we caused you. I caused you. No matter my reasoning, I hurt you and I apologize." 

"Ellie, I'm not going to say that it was okay. It was definitely not. And who am I to speak about morality when I was cheating on my boyfriend? But it hurt, a lot. We have so much to talk about what happened. I guess when we left things, I thought that was that. Since we're all good, it's all in the past. But to be honest, it left me with so many questions about myself that I had to figure out." 

"Me too. And I'd like to talk about it as well. So many things, Aster. When you're ready.." Ellie takes a sip of her beer. 

"Can we just start over? I mean, ofcourse not a clean slate. We have history. But, can we just shake this awkwardness? You're not a stranger to me, Ellie. At least I hope not. Can we just go back to the way it was before?" Aster doesn't even know what she meant by what she said. All she knows is she just wants their closeness back. Not this washed down version of them, tip toeing around each other. 

"Ofcourse, we're not strangers. We've kissed for goodness' sake." Whoa there, Ellie. Her mind quickly backpedals. Did she just say that out loud? To Aster? Oh my god, fix it! Her brain screams at her. 

And what does she mean by 'the way it was before'? Which part? When Ellie kissed her, or? 

"I mean.. I uhm.. Cause.." Ellie stammers. Aster gives her the signature Aster Flores smirk when she heard that Ellie acknowledged their kiss. 'She even said it out loud' Aster snickers to herself. It's just that Aster never would have thought that Ellie was the one to bring it up because of her girlfriend scenario. But then again, Ellie was the one who laid one on her in the middle of the street. She really has to give the girl props for saying and doing bold things.

"Relax, Ellie. Jeez.." She says when Ellie spluttered some beer all over herself in her panic. 

"It's okay, we can talk about it." Aster can't help but laugh now. Here they are, the epitome of awkwardness and is this what Ellie wanted? It has been a couple of years and it's like all the giddiness she felt before about Ellie is pulsing out of her, right this moment. She remembers now how easy it was between them back then. At the hot springs. Their letters. Easy to talk, from the most mundane topics like Taylor Swift to heavy ones like loneliness and religion. She makes Aster feel like they're in their own world sometimes.

Like she can say or do anything and everything but Ellie would still find it so interesting and even endearing. Like she will accept all of Aster, without thought or judgement. Like Aster really really matters to her.

Their bubble is popped by none other than Paul himself. Telling them that Alex has successfully planned a camping trip that weekend and there's no room for objections with Charlie chanting-yelling 'smores, smores, smores!' 

Aster closes her eyes in mild frustration but she also knows it's just her bestfriend's way of helping her. Looking at Ellie smiling at her now, she supposes she has to thank Alex. They might not be what she wants them to be, but it's a good start. She'll take what Ellie is offering. She can be friends with Ellie Chu if that's the only way to keep her in Aster's life.

She'll need lots of booze and patience if she wants her heart to survive that weekend though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have lots of plans for this fic. Hold on guys! 
> 
>   
> Thanks for all the awesome comments. It keeps me motivated to write more. :) 
> 
>   
> And sorry for the typos and grammatical errors. This is all over the place, no time to proofread. Deal with it :))


	9. Start over?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you  
> If one thing had been different  
> Would everything be different today?
> 
> -The 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay. But guys!! you're all so sweet with the comments. It pushed me to move my ass. Thank you for taking time to read this and leave a comment. Y'all are lovely, thanks for making my day. :)
> 
> I'm just finishing up the next chapter. Will post it soon.

It wasn't nearly finished when Aster decided to extricate herself from the bonfire party. She didn't drink, ofcourse, so she had the lovely duty of driving Alex home who might have more than a few already. She's thankful for it though. It was the perfect excuse to get out of there early. 

When Charlie and Alex came back from their shennanigans, Ellie and Aster were just finishing their small talk. Oh, yeah. They have come to that, lovely small talk. She knows there's still awkwardness between them and those are the only safe topics to discuss, but really? And when she saw Charlie return to stand beside Ellie then she instinctively put her hand on Charlie's lower back? Nope. She's not sticking around. 

With a meaningful look and a single eyebrow raise to her best friend, Aster states her excuse of needing to go home because of her dad and Alex being tipsy already. She also knows Alex is aware that Aster is in a mood after that camping trip decision and won't object to the early escape.

"Well, we gotta go back now. Wouldn't want Papa Flores to blow his shit. I'm like his favorite daughter." Aster rolls her eyes at Alex while her bestfriend says good bye to the couple.

"See you this weekend. And pleasure meeting you, Alex." Charlie grins at them.

With a last fleeting look, Aster guides her bestfriend to her car. She doesn't even know how to say good bye to Ellie now. They are so weird. 

"Please, don't hurt me." Alex grimaces at her. "I swear, it just came out, Aster! You know how I love nature! And we were talking how Charlie's from Seattle and she used to go camping there a lot and then I said I did too in Wisconsin. Then Paul was like, 'there are a lot of camping sites here'. It just came out!" She says quickly.

"I didn't know she'd be that gorgeous, A. You know how I am around beautiful people! I'm so sorrrry! She's just, really really good looking. Like, whoa." Alex stares at the car's glove compartment with glazed eyes. 

"Hey! Quit it!" Aster smacks the side of her head she could reach. She loves Alex' outgoing personality so much but it has its disadvantages sometimes.

"She's just so blonde and bubbly, you know? Like a dainty little princess but not really. She even drank a whole bottle of beer faster than me. Can you imagine?" Aster's a bit annoyed by now. Really, even Alex is smitten. First Ellie, now Alex. Well, to be fair, even Aster was a bit taken by Charlie the first time they met. It's just a part of her charm. 

Aster keeps driving quietly.

"A, I really am sorry. I'm not picking her side or anything like that. You know that right? We just clicked, and as your best friend I know it's my duty to hate your nemesis. I'm sorry I wasn't a bitch to her." She says seriously. Aster softens at this. Alex is rarely serious about anything so when she is, you better believe her. 

"Yeah, I guess I'm just territorial? Is that even a thing? She already has Ellie. I don't want you going all entranced by her too. It's silly, but that's how I feel."

Alex has heard Aster's experience with friendships in high school. She really didn't have many genuine friends, if any at all. Being the unwilling popular girl but with a brilliant mind, she wasn't able to forge real connections because people only saw her appearances. 

Alex was the first real friend she had cultivated a deep connection with and she wasn't about to ruin that for Aster. Especially with Ellie, the girl Alex thinks Aster is still in love with, in the middle of it all. She promises to herself to be more careful with this matter.

"I am, she's pretty charming to be honest. But don't ever think that I'm not on your side. Whether it's about your love life, your dad or just anything, Aster. And kudos to you for telling me, I like the whole emotional maturity thing you've got going on lately, babygirl." She accompanies this with a drunken thumbs up, almost poking Aster's ear.

"But me liking her as a person doesn't take anything away from you. I'm your day 1, ride or die bitch, okay?" She finishes with a ghetto voice.

"Yeah, okay, chill out Drake. I'm being silly, I know. This whole Ellie thing is fucking me up." Aster shakes her head. 

"Do you want me to beat Charlie up? Like, for real, I will if that's what you want. These guns are not for nothin'." Alex flexes her non-existent biceps. 'Aaand, she's back.' Aster rolls her eyes. 

"Just let me know, I'll beat her up.. but like, with affection and respect." She says with a dreamy look which okay, that cracks Aster up. 

She goes on like this all the way home. Detailing to Aster how she can karate chop Charlie with admiration and slap some love to that beautiful face, if it pleases Aster. She'll do it. 

Explaining to her that being jealous of Charlie is only natural because Alex' attention is hot commodity but she's only human, she wants to have the luxury of objectifying Charlie without Aster's snark. Aster can't count how many eye rolls and giggles Alex has induced from her on their way home. Alex being enamored with Ellie's girl was so wrong on so many levels but talking about it helped. Being brutally honest and laying it all out, that's part of Alex' personality and it's rubbing off on Aster.

She has learned through their friendship that whatever feelings she had, it's okay to voice out unlike before when she kept everything in until she got overwhelmed. She's comfortable to speak her mind because Alex will never ever judge her, but she will in fact call her out if she's being silly or out of line.

Alex is the only friend she can have this conversation with and not really get mad at. She knows Alex is always trying to lighten her up. She's also aware that with Alex, she only gets close to people she approves of. She's a good judge of character. Which means Aster's right with her assessment of Charlie, she's a really good person. No matter how much she wants to despise Ellie's girl, she acknowledges this.

And since they decided to start over (whatever that means), Aster thinks she's willing to try and get to know the new people in Ellie's life. She wants to be a part of her inner circle and if that requires being more than civil with her girlfriend, then so be it. It also helps that Alex is a good buffer. 

____________________________________________________

It's almost a habit; Ellie and Charlie after a party or any social gathering with drinks, it's customary that the two would be trying to rip each other's clothes off at the end. Whether it's making out on the way home or meaningful touches when it's not really passable to fondle your girlfriend in public. 

The bonfire isn't any different. If anything, the two are more intense. Almost like they are trying to prove something to each other. Neither knew what but there's something brewing, that much is clear. They both can feel the other trying to express something with each touch. 

"Babe, wait. Your dad.." Charlie says in the middle of Ellie nipping her collarbone and hand inside her shirt, trying to touch wherever she can. They're outside, with Charlie's back against the front door of Ellie's house, she has one Ellie Chu enthusiastically mauling her. Paul has just dropped them off and Charlie's surprised Mr. Chu hasn't hosed them down. She remembers Ellie telling her a story about her dad doing so to an obnoxious guy annoying Ellie.

"He's already asleep. C'mon, let's go up my room." She tells Charlie but her hands are still continuing their exploration of Charlie's abs, threatening to slip further down with each passing second. 

"Ugh. Oh my god, El. Hmm.. What, what are we doing? Not.. here." But she's tilted her head for Ellie to suck her neck and unbotton her jeans. She's tightened her grip on Ellie's hair and even pushed her closer to her neck. She wants Ellie to do everything to her against that door. It's like she wants everyone to see them. 

But then again, her respect/ fear of Edwin Chu makes her rethink that. "Let's go." She grabs Ellie's arm, drags her up her room. Ellie chuckling behind her. 

She pushes Ellie against her bedroom door. Kisses her so passionately, Ellie isn't sure if she's a bit dizzy because of the drinks or Charlie. She takes Ellie's lower lip between her lips, sucks for a bit then nips on it playfully simultaneously unbottoning her jeans. She whispers or rather warns her, "You have to be quiet, love." while slipping her left hand past Ellie's panties. 

________________________________________________________

It's the afternoon before their camping trip. Aster is pacing around her room while Alex is checking her phone for updates. 

"I said I'm sorry, okay? Stop being a baby about this. It's just one weekend! Paul said he'd bring lots of taco sausages and other things he's trying out. Think about all the food! And beers and whiskey! Charlie said she'd bought drinks yesterday just for this weekend and I'm bringing the s'mores; snacks and desserts all the way baby!" Alex shows her the group chat the three of them have going on. There are pictures of tents, coolers and food they're preparing.

It started with Alex asking Paul about the camping site which evolved to Paul adding Charlie to the group for planning purposes. They each asked Aster and Ellie to join the group but both were indifferent about the whole thing. Wary, to be exact. Nothing good can come from those three talking especially the connections they have with Ellie and Aster. 

"Am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible, horrible and completely stupid idea?" Aster deadpans. And she's not entirely wrong. Given Ellie, Paul and Aster's high school debacle, there's already something to unpack there. But throw in Charlie and the unknowing love triangle the situation created? And don't forget the ball of crazy that is Alex? Aster is most definitely sure it's going to be a disaster and she doesn't want to be a part of it.

"I know it seems weird and I'm sure someone from the group will be awkward (she raises her eyebrow at Aster), but babygirl, look at it this way.. if there's anything I've learned from a broken family, it's that you need to make the most out of any situation. Do you think it's ideal for me to spend every christmas eve at my step dad's insufferable extended family then have to endure my mom's the next day? No, it's a hassle and I wish for things to be different. But since I can't do anything about it, I just think of it as a double christmas, you know? You gotta always see the silverlining in shitty situations. We can't just stew in misery all the damn time." Alex sits down in front of her.

"Yes, ofcourse we hope not to run into those predicaments, but life is messy, right? When we can't control something, we gotta learn to just ride it out and hope for the best." She shrugs her shoulders.

"This is entirely my fault, I put the suggestion out there and again, I apologize. But if you think about it, it's only going to be weird if we make it weird. Charlie already agreed to it. She doesn't see anything wrong with all of us hanging out. Which duh, she's the one with the girlfriend who has strings. If it's okay with Charlie, then I think we're all just going to be fine." 

"And how else do you think you'd get to spend some 'friendly' time with Ellie in a neutral and entirely not suspicious way? It's actually the perfect time to restart your friendship, or whatever it is you guys are calling it. I mean, let's be honest you're not going to contact her and what, are you hoping to bump into her in town? With what remaining days that we have here?" She gives Aster a meaningful look then checks her nails and says, 

"Personally, I think it's a load of crap and y'alls are too chicken to do anything. But if you wanna pussyfoot around this, let me at least have some liquor and food in me. Silverlining and all that." She pops some gum in her mouth and noisily chomps out while messing with her phone. She knows Aster will need time to mentally prepare herself for this trip. 

"And what are you and Ellie bringing anyway? Awkwardness and sexual tension?! Jeez. Buy some chips instead, okay? And make sure to pack your mom's empanadas." As for Alex, she only hopes that she could also prepare her stomach for all the deliciousness that's coming her way. She really loves camping.

________________________________________________________

"Heck yeah! Weather forecast says the sky's all clear this weekend. We can stargaze babe. Alex said she's going to.... Ellie? Babe?" Charlie stops short of her excited rant about this weekend. She sees Ellie staring at her window as per usual at this time of day. She knows something is bothering her. Ever since the bonfire, Ellie's been more quiet than usual. 

When she doesn't respond, Charlie pulls up a chair beside her and asks, "Are you okay, love? It's alright with you, this camping thing, right? I asked Paul at the bonfire if you'll be fine with it and he said yes, and you nodded when I asked again, so I thought..." 

"Yeah... It's fine, Charlie. I just, is it really a good time to do this before you leave for Seattle? I wanted more alone time. So we could just talk, you know. Figure things out." 

"Oh.. it's not about the camping, it's Seattle. Babe, I know it's a new game plan and I dunno, maybe I should have ran it by you immediately when I accepted it. But it's really a great opportunity. They don't accept newbies like me that easily, aerospace engineering's a tough field. There aren't many opportunities especially for fresh grads, they have to get the best of the best."

"I know, Charlie. I'm just scared, I guess. With the distance, and we'll both be having different worlds that we're going to enter, I just really want to keep you by my side a little bit longer." Ellie says to her. Almost afraid to spill out her emotions but can't hold it in either. 

"Oh, Ellie. I'm not going anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily. Yes, we're both going to be so busy and we'll experience so many new things but I know you, and I know me, if we put our minds to something, our stubbornness won't let us quit. We're going to make it work just with sheer force of will. I know we can, love." 

"We'll only drift apart if we let each other go, and I won't if you won't. So long as we decide to be together, there's nothing standing in our way. It's only a little more distance. And we have technology, I know how you hate these millenial tech stuff but at least, we can still see each other. Just, talk to me, okay? Don't bottle it all up. Communication's our best option if we want to make this work." She nudges Ellie's knees with her own. 

Ellie nods. Glad she was able to be vulnerable and lay out her fears. She just can't shake this bad feeling that it's the start of the end for them. Maybe it's her insecurities and issues getting triggered, maybe she's having separation anxiety, but she hopes that they can at least make more good experiences this weekend before they get separated. She says so to Charlie which gets her an excited smile. 

"But uhm, just checking.. you and Aster, you're good right? It won't be weird?" Charlie tries to act casual. Even goes as far as twirling the ends of her hair and staring off the wall while asking. She holds her breath. 

"Yeah, we talked at the bonfire. We're good, babe. We'll try to start being friends, like before, you know? And for the weird part, I'm always awkward so I dunno?" Ellie smiles that small smile of hers that Charlie loves. Charlie kisses those smiling lips and continues to plan for their trip. 

_______________________________________________________

Ellie is helping Paul pack up his truck. Well, she's not lugging around the cooler or anything, more on checking that they have all the things they need. It's nearly dawn and she hasn't had her cup of coffee yet. Frankly, she's a bit annoyed over the whole thing but hasn't had the heart to complain to her best friend or girlfriend since she knows how excited both are.

"So I brought all flavors of sausages and I have a few new ones I want to grill. This is awesome, it's like I have my own personal taste testers. Alex said she'll literally try anything." He's grinning his toothy grin now and Ellie will just have to suck it up. He goes back to his house, if he could skip away in glee, Ellie thinks this would be the time for it. She rolls her eyes at her oaf of a bestfriend. 

She doesn't hate camping, not at all. She's just not a fan of so many outdoor activities that revolve around camping. Given her dad's inability to perform his job at the station, Ellie didn't have much time to do anything remotely outdoorsy all her life. She was busy trying to survive at the basic level, thank you very much. Weekend camping trips like that is luxury to her. She also didn't have any friends to go with. Besides, her athleticism does not go beyond cycling to school back then and she didn't get up to anything physical in college. Charlie would disagree, with how rigorous their one on one physical activities are, Ellie muses. Her girlfriend's crass attitude is rubbing off on her. She's thinking about sex before dawn, that's really something.

The girl in question emerges from the front door. Holding a cup of steaming hot coffee in both hands, wearing a blue beanie, one of Ellie's black shirts, dark green cargo pants and bright orange trail runners. She looks like a blonde version of Lara Croft. A grumpy one but cute nonetheless. Ellie tries so hard not to smile at her bleary eyed girlfriend. It's her (and Paul's) fault Ellie's in this but she looks so precious shivering yet trying to locate her cigarettes while balancing her coffee. 

Ellie pulls one of Charlie's jackets in the bag she just stowed away in Paul's truck and wraps Charlie in it. Not before balancing her precious coffee in the hood of the truck and wrestling the unlit cigarette out of her hands. Charlie is barely awake but Ellie knows how excited she is just for the fact that she stumbled out of bed this early. Charlie once told her that she refuses to be woken up before dawn because it's her god given right to get sufficient shut eye. Although she has exceptions. If it were anything but sex or camping, she would be cursing right about now. 

Ellie kisses her temple. "Good morning, babe." She whispers. Charlie inserts her face to the crook of Ellie's neck. Ellie has mastered the art of not startling Charlie in the early mornings. Coaxing her, like a lion cub Charlie is super cute and cuddly but it's good to be aware that cubs still have claws. Trust her, she learned that the hard way. Given, it was a playful bite on her arm and she teased Charlie for days about the teeth marks she left on Ellie. She learned it's best to lead with sex, or when outdors, kisses. 

"Did you pack enough of your mosquito repellants? Those buggers will getcha. They love your blood." Charlie mumbles then sneaks a nibble on Ellie's neck. Ellie guesses she's trying to mimic a mosquito. Ellie hums, stifles a laugh. Charlie leans more into her; coffee, cigarette and neck kisses long forgotten. 

"Is she sleeping again? On you?" Paul calls out. Holding a few more bags. Ellie signals for Paul to shut it, fearful that he might startle the half asleep girl. She carefully maneuvers her girlfriend inside the truck and lets her rest her head on Ellie's shoulder. Her girl and best friend want a good weekend, Ellie is determined to have one too. 

_______________________________________________________

Ever since their talk yesterday afternoon, Aster has been feeling a lot better. Alex somehow convinced her that this camping trip is a good thing for everyone and she's right, Aster has to see the silverlining. Look at things more positively. Make the best out of any situation. Okay, she also realized that she has to stop Alex from constantly playing Oprah's podcasts in her room or in her car, the catch phrases are starting to stick. 

She swats Alex' hand from getting the AUX cord. She doesn't want to hear anything inspirational at the crack of dawn. It's bad enough that she hasn't had the time to get in a smoke fix, but Oprah this early morning? She plugs in her phone instead. Lets Alex pick whatever and almost smiles when Alex chooses 'Go Off' by M.I.A from one of her own hip hop playlists she made in Aster's spotify.

"Alright, alright no Oprah! God. Hopefully this one hypes you up. Get you all excited for camping 'cause girl, I am ready!" She says while bopping her head and making weird arm wave gestures. 

Aster laughs. "Yeah, yeah, let's do this. And A, thanks for being here." 

"Shut up, don't be so mushy. It's super early. Save it later for when the drinks are making you emo. Oh, and what are we going to do about that by the way? What's our gameplan? Should I chuck you inside a tent or something? 'Cause I hope you can drink this weekend. You won't need to drive around." 

"It's okay, I'm good. I've decided that I need to just enjoy this weekend with you and the others. I mean, seeing Ellie with a girlfriend should not be this end of the world thing for me, right?" But even hearing herself say that sounds like she's trying hard to fool herself so she follows it up with, "Besides, they don't need to know how everytime I look at them I feel like someone's stabbing my guts repeatedly." She looks at Alex and smiles sarcastically.

"Oh my god, that's dark bro." 

"I'm kidding. Not quite, but uh.. I'm serious, I'll focus on having a good time. It's still going to be fun." Aster says genuinely.

"Well, duh. 'Course it's gonna be a blast, you're with me! And I'll make sure to only tell the good stories in college." She winks at Aster. 

"Wait, what? What do you mean, which stories?" Aster looks back at Alex who seems to be busy looking out at the road.

Aster sees the signage that leads to the camping site. She takes a turn down a long winding path and sees Paul's truck parked at a distance.

'Well, here goes nothing.' She takes a deep breath and parks her yellow car.


	10. Not an update, im so sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My apologies

Hi guys, im so sorry cause i know i suck for not updating. 

Thing is, im not sure if i can finish the story. :( im genuinely upset that i cant right now or maybe, ever. It's just that, i initially wrote this because i had some stuff in my life that i needed to process. 

I was/ am Ellie, basically, in all my relationships and I needed to come to terms with that. The awkward, sometimes headstrong but not really, then kinda confused and insecure but still passionate type. I've been leaving broken hearts left and right, and this is one of my stories with my own Aster. But unlike this story which they'll both end up with each other, mine and my Aster's didn't go quite as well due to my own fucked upness. 

So, i cant seem to find the will to continue this story anymore since I think im on another journey in my life. This is a story of coming to a lost love, of reunions and happy endings and right now, im not sure I have it in me to create a world like that since I strictly write from my experiences. 

Im sorry for disappointing you guys since I saw how many sent super awesome comments and all. My apologies. 

Maybe I'll continue this again once i get inspired or have a similar story in my life. I am planning though to write some things about another fandom which I think i'll do because I want to let out my hopes and ideals of (hopefully) a future relationship. Well, I haven't met a new Aster or anything like that but if you might be interested in reading about my hopeless romantic musings... 

So anyway, im sorry again. And really, i want to say thank you to everyone who read and appreciated this story. It helped me process and I hope it brought even a tinge of entertainment to you guys. 

Thank you. And my apologies again.


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